Blood for Blood
by sakurademonalchemist
Summary: They were the Leaf's darkest and most sinister secrets. Vampires. Alucard and his mate Seras were hidden deep in the Hidden Leaf, never to see the light of day again after being sealed. However fate has a way of bringing even the most terrifying secrets to light... Naruko Uzumaki will bring back the race of Vampires and uncover what really happened that night with the Kyuubi!
1. Chapter 1

The Forbidden Scroll. Named such for the countless jutsu, seals, and various secrets hidden in the paper. One such secret was a map that lead to a location that every Hokage knew of, but was warned upon appointment to the position never to go to and to never, _ever_ bleed within fifty yards of.

Inside was a fearsome monster, more terrifying and unpredictable than the Bijuu on a rampage. The fact this particular monster came with a second body which had been kept in another location for security reasons was of no difference.

Now what made this monster so terrifying was that it could pick and choose 'Masters' at a whim...and considering it had a terrifying Kekkei Genkai or genjutsu that would devastate any country they went to war with, they had to seal it and the smaller one away solely to keep the other hidden villages from declaring war just to wipe it out!

The big problem being that the creature itself fed on blood, so any attempts to kill it outright were met with open disaster. Easier to seal the damn thing and it's mate away instead of a pointless battle.

So the thing slumbered since the village's beginning, never once seeing the light of day.

Until now.

A young girl with bright yellow hair and crystal blue eyes was looking through documents she shouldn't while the old man was away. She knew it was a bad thing, but shinobi were supposed to be sneaky and the only one who had ever managed to catch her at this was the old man.

She had gotten very, very good at sneaking in here and reading the books...or copying them exactly even if she had trouble with the words.

Today she was almost finished copying the big scroll that was hidden behind sealed glass.

Fortunately, seals was _one_ thing she was good at. She was better than that stuck up Uchiha jerk who was constantly reminding her she was an orphan.

So she was going to do something not even the Uchiha could do...and hopefully prove once and for all she was a better shinobi than he was.

However she was confused by the two very old-style maps at the very end of the scroll. It was likely the first thing ever written on it, so odds were the locations had already been compromised. If not by the various wars, then by the destruction of the demon fox that happened nearly twelve years ago.

Still, since she did recognize the locations (primarily because of mobs consisting of idiots) she decided to go have a look at them. If only to see if there was anything worth salvaging.

Once she finished (having made a mental note of the maps) she carefully replaced it...even going so far as to repaint the parts of the seal she had etched out in order to bypass the alarms.

Without a sound, she vanished, making it appear like she hadn't broken in at all.

* * *

"The kid's good. Can't believe she's at the bottom of her class with that kind of skill," said the ANBU who had been monitoring the room while the Hokage had been gone.

"Something doesn't add up. We know she isn't trained like one of us...too many slip ups...but how the hell is she the dead last when she can slip past the most advanced seals in our village, steal important secrets, and then sneak out like she hadn't been there?" agreed his partner.

"A pity we can't tell Hokage-sama...not without telling him we let her look at the scroll."

"Not like she'll wake up that old corpse, right?"

"Too true...wasn't that thing destroyed by the Kyuubi anyway?"

The Hokage hadn't bothered to check on the corpse...outside of confirming the damn thing was still intact after the attack.

* * *

_Another year, another mob... _

The Hokage had no idea she had broken into his office. The ANBU weren't exactly about to enlighten him, as it would raise uncomfortable (and possibly demotion worthy) questions about why they didn't _stop_ her from getting that far.

So when faced with another mob, the girl purposely made her way towards the first location she had memorized. Because this happened every year, and she had made sure to be away from her usual hide out of the Hokage's tower and the ramen stand, the ANBU and the old man wouldn't think twice about her trying to find a new hiding spot until the ANBU collected all the instigators.

The girl ran deep, deep into the sewers of Konoha. They were less for sewage and more for passing civilians and academy students to the safe rooms littered around the village itself. Well, that and shinobi were all about doing things over the top. They were big enough for two grown men to walk side-by-side at least.

More than enough room for a rather small twelve-year-old girl to run like mad. Most of the mob avoided the sewers, mostly out of some perceived smell they believed to be inside.

In a civilian city this was true, but a shinobi one actually paid their ANBU to go down to make their own maps of the place as part of the standard exercises. It was one thing to have a map made by someone else...having them make their own was considered a rite of passage, and those were usually littered with the shinobi's own interpretations making them hard for enemies to decipher.

She had made a complete and thorough map of the entire sewer lay out by the time she was six, and had more often than not slept in the alcoves at each junction that were filled with the standard shinobi gear, first aid kits for a full ANBU unit (replaced and kept up-to-date every other month), at least ten bed rolls with pillows, a heater, and enough food and water to last a week.

She had commandeered one such alcove, and hidden it in a way that made it look like the thing had collapsed. It was a subtle seal, and the Hokage had told the ANBU to leave it be. Though he did make sure to keep the alcoves near the one she had claimed double stocked. The fact she occasionally raided those was not lost on him.

She made her way through the sewers immediately after the Academy, not bothering for her yearly free ramen bowl from Ichiraku. If she did this right she could get it tomorrow.

One of the locations happened to be deep in the sewers, in an area normally avoided because Orochimaru of the Sannin had claimed an area near it for one of his 'labs' on the shinobi public record.

Considering it had been trapped to the teeth, and the nature of the one who set them, no one had tried to go anywhere _near_ the place after they found out what the _other_ labs looked like.

She had broken in when she was ten, and aside from causing the area to be avoided for a few days because of a smell, it was rather boring. She wasn't exactly afraid of corpses, seeing as how she had seen more than her fair share of them in the sewers of foreign shinobi or the rare unlucky ANBU before it was cleaned up. Dead shinobi weren't a problem...it was the living she feared.

She wasn't even breathing hard when she broke through the decaying seals on the door. Whoever this guy was, he was damn persistent.

In the furthest corner was a corpse with so many seals on it that she had to wonder if it was really necessary. It was a _corpse_. It wasn't like all those cheap zombie novels were REAL.

"Fucking demon whore. Time to put an end to your reign once and for all..." sneered the shinobi.

She couldn't tell in this dim lighting, but the slurred voice sounded far too much like Mizuki-sensei from two years above her. Unlike Iruka, who taught their class, he taught the ones in the Advanced courses.

She tried to avoid the kunai, but it still went through her cheap clothing and caused her to bleed. Some of the blood landed near the corpse, not that she noticed. The wound healed over in seconds, but she sucked at close quarters combat.

The shinobi advanced on her, determined to kill her...when a sound made both of them stop cold.

It was the sound of something scraping on the stone. Almost like a tongue licking the stone clean...which was beyond weird.

She saw the shinobi stare at the corpse...which was moving. Though unlike the shinobi, she only saw this through the corner of her eye.

There was a low growl from the _thing_ in the corner, and razor sharp fangs were seen clearly in it's mouth. Blood red eyes, hinged with barely contained madness were wide awake and staring at them both. There was a hint of bloodlust, but it had no direction. In that bloodlust was the clear feeling of _hunger_ though for what she had no idea.

Once over his shock, the shinobi decided to kill the brat and run like hell.

It was the worst possible move he could make...it put him on the corpse's radar as prey, thinking he was attacking it and not the girl in front of him.

The thing lurched forward in a speed she had only ever seen of jounin level shinobi, fangs distended and red eyes filled with madness and hunger. This was no rational being...it was a monster who's only thought was to fill the void the hunger created.

She got the hell out of it's way as it descended onto the unlucky bastard who had tried to kill her...closer inspection revealed it was literally draining the blood out of the man's body, leaving nothing left. Not even a body...though he did leave the weapons and the clothes seeing as how he couldn't exactly eat that. It then turned it's gaze onto her, though the madness was now replaced with curiosity and still more hunger. But it could clearly think and the body itself had filled out enough that it just looked emaciated.

"Who are you?" she had to ask.

There was a deep throaty chuckle. One that would freak her out even more than she already was had it not been for one fact that kept her grounded.

This thing, whatever the hell it was, was _not human_. And considering most of her life she had been persecuted by humans, she was more inclined to give it the benefit of a doubt. Monsters should stick together, by her reasoning.

"_My name...little girl...is Alucard..."_ it rasped. Almost like it hadn't talked in a really long time.

Considering what she had seen, this thing...no... Alucard...clearly fed on blood. Fortunately she knew a good way to get him back up to speed without having to deal with the ANBU asking questions.

"Are you still hungry?" she asked curiously, hoping like hell she was right.

"_I've been asleep for so long..." _

"Look, if I could direct you to a good source of blood, which I'm guessing is what you eat, then would that keep you from trying to come after me?" she asked flatly.

Alucard looked at her, almost as if he were seeking something in her blue eyes. He was surprised to find no fear, only natural wariness and appropriate levels of caution considering he was stronger and faster than she was.

Why would a child not even thirteen show no signs of fear towards something that could kill her and not even think twice about it?

Alucard slowly nodded, and the girl lead him straight to the sewer grate beneath the Konoha hospital. With stealth and more skill than most would have at her age, she lead him straight to where they kept the spare blood for the Kekkei Genkai users. Specifically where they stored the blood donations from people like the Hyuuga and what was left of the Uchiha.

She knew her village. Any theft of blood from this section was more likely to be considered a rival village than her feeding a monster that used it as it's food source.

Especially since she was going to replace those seals to make it look like the thing was still there. If she was right, then it would look like the shinobi he ate was the culprit, and no one would think twice about it. All she had to do was scratch out the hitai ate and leave it outside the village heading towards a random direction.

Alucard ate nearly thirty of the bags stored. While old blood wasn't as good as the fresh he had eaten, the last thing he wanted was to be caught so soon after waking. He approved of the girl's natural caution and cunning. He stole a few extra, making it look like someone had come in here specifically for the blood for nefarious purposes.

If he was right, the girl might lead him to his mate.

The two disappeared the same way they entered, making it look like someone had broken in through the sewer entrance. The girl broke 'into' another one just far enough to make the story believable.

By morning, no one would be aware that the creature which had slept since before Konoha was even a village had been woken up.

* * *

The Hokage had a rather rough night. Someone had managed to break into the hospital and make off with over _half _of their stock of blood from the kekkei genkai clans and then escape. And from the evidence the Inuzuka clan found, it was likely Mizuki. A chunin in charge of the advanced academy courses. His headband had been found leading towards the Valley of the End, slashed through the Leaf. The Inuzuka lost him at the waterfalls, where the scent was lost.

The problem being that he was in charge of several very notable clan members, including the Hyuuga. Add to that the complaints from the shinobi clans about how the curriculum was far below what it had been when the Fourth Hokage had been in power and he had a conundrum.

So when young Naruko Uzumaki disguised once again as a boy to protect herself came in, he put on a small smile and tried to hide his headache. One again, the girl proved more perceptive than half his forces.

"Another rough night Jiji?"

"I can never hide anything from you. How was last night?"

"You mean outside of that asshole Mizuki-_sensei_ trying to kill me on the way out of the village with a weird scroll on his back? Same old, same old..." said Naruko. Hook, line and sinker, in her mind.

"You saw Mizuki leaving with a scroll?"

"Yeah, it was real weird though... his hitai ate had a long scratched line through it and the knot was almost undone. The jerk threw a few kunai at me before he went past me."

"Naruko, this is really important. Which direction did he go to?"

Naruko gave him the same gate that lead right where the Valley of the End was. He sagged into his chair. Finally, confirmation on the thief. Most people wouldn't have paid any mind to a shinobi of their village running on the roofs...especially when half of them were drunk from the festival the night before.

"But...I did make a new friend last night! He's the one who got me out of the way of the kunai!" said Naruko brightly.

Upon learning this...Alucard...could change his age on a whim, he turned close to her age.

The cover story they had come up with, which was pretty hard to refute, was that he was one of the many orphans that had been 'mysteriously' burned down until three years ago when they attacks stopped. He had been living on the streets and watching the shinobi for years, but had been too poor to attend the academy.

No one would question it too much because most orphans generally went to the civilian schools, unless they showed a particular aptitude towards the shinobi life, in which case they were sponsored by the village.

Naruko would have fallen into that category had the Hokage not been quick to tell her that her parents, whoever they had been, had already paid for her to attend. She just wished she could know _who_ they were.

The Hokage puffed on his long pipe, before he asked "Do you think he would be interested in joining you at the Academy? He would have to catch up of course..."

"He's got better aim than I do, and at least at the Academy we all get one lunch if we don't have families to support us," deadpanned Naruko.

Odds were Alucard would give her the free bento, seeing as how he fed off blood and with how fast she healed she could easily give him hers until they took missions outside the village.

"I see no reason why he can't join your class...we do have an empty spot as I recall, and with Mizuki... don't be surprised if the books are reassigned before next semester. Until then, why don't you try to catch your friend up to the curriculum, which is the earliest he could enter?"

"Gotcha Jiji."

"In the meantime... I do believe you missed your yearly free bowl of birthday ramen? Tell Teuchi it's on me," he told the girl, who brightened up immediately. His bank account would take a hit, but it was a small price to pay for having it confirmed Mizuki had been the thief.


	2. Chapter 2

The girl and the monster broke into the second, less guarded room where a smaller monster was waiting. Unlike the corpse, this one had been sealed into a strange box, along with a bigger box with words Naruko couldn't read.

Alucard had proven adept at catching her up to where she should have been had the instructors not sabotaged her efforts. Apparently drinking blood gave him their memories, so while she was teaching him how to read kanji, he was teaching her the things she should have been taught by her teachers.

Out of all of them, only Iruka had bothered to do his job right... and unfortunately for Naruko, it was history. A subject that put any child to sleep.

Well, unless their teacher was Alucard and he was describing bloody battles between monsters and humans. He knew how to keep a kid hooked on what many would consider a boring subject.

The second monster took less time to wake up, and the second she saw Alucard her face brightened up.

"Seras. Meet our new...host."

"Uzumaki Naruko~!" chirped the happy blond. Alucard was infinitely nicer than the villagers, and he didn't treat her like trash. In her mind, he was better than those dumb humans.

"Seras Victoria," said the blond monster, saluting the girl. Naruko giggled. Alucard handed Seras some of the bags he had stolen.

The blond creature gladly started eating them...she was starving.

"So...what are you two anyway?" asked Naruko.

Seras paused in her devouring of the blood bags.

"She doesn't know?"

"We've been asleep for a few centuries, and apparently deemed dangerous enough that only the village leader was allowed to know of our existence. All she's aware of is that we feed primarily on blood and that we were dangerous enough that her village leader had us sealed away for a long time."

"The locations of your resting places were the first two things on the Forbidden Scroll. And the first jutsu wasn't put on until a year after the village was first formed. I think you two were put to sleep before the village was around."

Seras looked to her Master and started asking him things in a language Naruko didn't understand in the least, and he answered them as best he could.

Eventually they switched back to Japanese (which was what they called the language Naruko _was_ familiar with) to ask her as much as they could about the outside. Unfortunately, she was more familiar with inter-village politics seeing as how she had never been allowed outside the village. Ever.

This was because as the jinchuriki of the Kyuubi no Yoko, they couldn't risk her learning that her treatment outside the village would be so drastically different, or worse, allow her to be taken by another village.

Naruko had no idea this was the reason. Nor would she for some time.

When she finally found out that little fact she would inevitably be drawn towards the two 'monsters' even further than she already was.

It took Seras four tries to alter her age to something closer to Naruko's and once she did, the two got along famously. Alucard seemed openly amused that the girls were conspiring to keep him 'in line'.

Naruko when it came to his prey and Seras when it came to his bad habit of flirting with other women.

It was a good thing Naruko had long since mapped out the best way into the Interrogation Department and knew how to read the clip boards upside down. Within a month, there was a sudden outbreak in the cells of shinobi scheduled to be executed after one final interrogation...the cause would never be identified, but the strange illness would crop up in an irregular pattern every so often for months after.

While the shinobi thought it odd, they never complained because the poor bastards were doomed to begin with. It just meant their deaths were pushed ahead of schedule for legal reasons.

* * *

Iruka didn't know why they were switching back to the old curriculum. It wasn't his place to ask. All he knew was that he had been taken off the history rotation two months early and put into the class teaching basic jutsu theory and how to throw things.

Much like the children he taught, he disliked having to teach two hours of history a day. One hour should be sufficient, but he didn't dare voice such an opinion.

"QUIET DOWN!" he shouted, using his patented big-head technique to shut the brats up. Most settled down, but Naruto seemed excited about something. "Now as you all know, we recently switched to the original curriculum before the reform, primarily because it was brought to the shinobi council's attention that one of our former teachers was in reality a traitor. If you meet Mizuki-sensei on the field, act accordingly and do not hesitate to kill or capture. However there is another announcement. We have two new students joining our class to replace Hiroto and Machiko, who have been switched over to the special classes."

No one commented on the fact that 'special' in a shinobi school meant either they weren't cut out for the life, but were too well connected through a family relation to the nobles to cut out because of poor grades, or that they were too specialized and had been picked for one of the lesser shinobi careers that didn't involve field work.

Considering Hiroto and Machiko were civilians, it was probably the former, as they weren't considered particularly smart.

The door opened to reveal two children about their age.

One was rather pale with long raven black hair. At first they thought it was a girl, but closer inspection revealed it to simply be a long haired boy who wore his black hair in a loose ponytail to keep it out of his face. His eyes were the most disturbing though. Almost like he was assessing them and deeming them as little more than cannon fodder...at least they hoped that was what it was. He caught the last Uchiha's interest the most though.

The girl (and there was no mistaking it was a girl) already had a developing bust that would likely cause back problems later if she wasn't careful. She had short blond hair that was held in a tight ponytail that made the ends spike outwards like Naruto's did, and her eyes were a deep blue. The only reason the children didn't mistake her for some relative of the annoying prankster was because the hair and eyes were the wrong shade. She held herself loosely, more like a taijutsu specialist than anything else.

What the girls of the class didn't miss was the fact that the girl was clearly enamored with the boy, and therefor not a new rival for 'Sasuke-kun'.

"These two will be joining our class from now on. They are both orphans."

The girl went first.

"I am Seras and this is my boyfriend Drake."

Her boyfriend snorted, as if he didn't think the other students were of any real note.

It was pretty obvious he was as approachable as Sasuke Uchiha or a Hyuuga was. In other words, not at all unless he wanted something.

While their names were rather unusual, most people ignored them. After all, the Third Hokage had literally named his grandson after the village for crying out loud.

"You can take your seats now," said Iruka.

Seras and 'Drake' immediately went to sit next to Naruto, to Iruka's relief. Maybe now the poor kid would actually have friends who would associate with him outside class.

He found Seras rather attentive, while Drake seemed rather bored. However when it came for taijutsu practice, he found the blond to be a rather surprising powerhouse.

She took out Sasuke in five seconds flat, pinning him in a rather painful hold that wasn't taught in the Academy.

Considering what the Hokage had put down on their forms, it was likely she had learned it to keep the less reputable members of the village from taking advantage of her.

Drake merely had to level an evil look at the civilian kid before he bolted. There was something in that smile that did not inspire happy thoughts. In fact it really creeped Iruka out, though Naruto was too busy laughing his ass off at the way the kid had run with his tail between his legs.

To be fair, the kid was one of the primary idiots who mocked the orphans in the class for not having parents.

* * *

"Well? How did it go?" asked the Hokage.

"The two you sent have fit in, more or less. The girl is rather open, and it's pretty clear that once puberty hits she'll have a strong fan base with the boys... though the only reason the other girls accepted her so fast was because she had already staked her claim on the boy and has no interest whatsoever in Uchiha-san. They seem to get along rather well with Naruto, even going so far as to share their lunch with him. The boy however... I don't know. There's something off about him."

"How so?"

"I can't put my finger on it, but he has this sort of...presence, I suppose. It was pretty clear he could care less about the other students and allows the girl to do most of the talking for him. If I had to call it anything, I would say he feels quite a bit like Ibiki-san and Anko-san after they visited us questioning about Mizuki," said Iruka honestly.

"So he's a shoo-in for the T and I unit?"

"Almost definitely."

"And the girl?"

"I'm fairly certain she's a taijutsu-type. She took down Uchiha-san in very little time using a hold I'm not familiar with."

"I'll see if we can't introduce her to Gai or one of the others. What about their chakra coils? Any trouble with that?"

"Aside from being smaller than the others, they seem to have adapted more or less. Once they get the hang of chakra control I'm sure they'll be up to speed," said Iruka.

The Hokage hummed to himself. Hopefully now Naruko would have some solid ties to the village. She always displayed an independent spirit, and he was worried once she started taking missions outside the village she would be more interested in being a freelance shinobi rather than Hokage.

* * *

The only thing that went through his mind when they discreetly introduce Drake to the Torture and Interrogation unit was...

_Oh dear sweet kami, now there's _two_ of them!_

Drake hit it off far too well with Anko, and it was pretty apparent he got off from tasting blood, as weird as that was. The second Anko learned that, her cackles gave her co-workers nightmares of having a second version of her around. Though this one apparently preferred dogs to snakes.

The fact he had no issues with torture to get information, and seemed to have a Kekkei Genkai that revolved around getting information directly from blood meant he was almost certain to get a spot in the T and I division. Possibly even ANBU if he were so inclined.

Seras, on the other hand, proved to be an upcoming Taijutsu mistress, even going so far as to help out another student by the name of Rock Lee who had some rare crippling condition that made it almost impossible for him to access his chakra coils. Might Gai had taken a particular interest in him, so odds were he might become a chunin eventually. She had quickly become friends with another girl who was an aspiring weapon's mistress by the name of Tenten a year above her.

However, in less than a month the biggest change was in Naruto's grades. He went from bottom of the class to near the upper middle of it. And when Iruka questioned him on it, he found that the boy often shared the books of Drake and Seras rather than bother with his own.

Inspection of the used book revealed it to be heavily altered, whereas Seras and Drake had the unaltered ones that were only heavily used.

Iruka had been beyond pissed finding out that Naruto had been actively sabotaged from learning properly, and happy that he had found friends who didn't mind sharing their books with him. And who corrected his aim and stances. He had already noticed a marked improvement since they came into the picture.

* * *

Alucard, now called 'Drake' because any variation of the name 'Dracula' (even spelled backwards) would have told the Hokage exactly who and _what_ he was and more precisely what Seras was, was openly amused by his new human 'Master'. Alucard didn't particularly _care_ about humanity, but centuries of un-life always lead to boredom. Hence why he allowed certain humans to 'order' him like a kept dog.

Mostly because whenever he did, he always had the entertainment of watching humanity first hand rather than from afar like some of the other Master vampires he knew. He was considered the odd one of the Master Nosferatu, but still highly respected because he was extremely powerful and the first of their kind. Seras, before her first sealing, was also on her way to making a name for herself, and that was before the fact Alucard had deemed her worthy of standing by his side as his newest bride.

And now a new child had come forward to take the place of his last human master. One who had not looked at his weakened countenance and open display of being inhuman with fear, but with open acceptance. She had accepted death was a possible outcome and didn't care about the fact he was clearly not human at all.

It wasn't until he observed his possible new master that he understood why.

The humans of the village considered her a demon, despite being very much human (he could tell from her blood). Instead of letting the opinions of fools break her, she let it slide off her without allowing it to mar her spirit. She hid her true self behind the fool's persona, getting her revenge by way of pranks that she couldn't be arrested for, only disciplined for being shoddy.

Instead of telling him not to prey on the homeless, like he had considered upon first waking, she showed him how to break into a building full of captive prisoners which had powers that could benefit them later. They didn't ask what was happening, having forgotten what ghouls were thanks to the lull in their creation, and merely chalked it up to an unknown illness that simply moved up the execution date. So long as he never targeted the 'loyal' shinobi, no one would think it was a vampire preying on captive prisoners.

The irony was that they were letting him prey on their prisoners so long as he told them what they wanted to know and teaching his bride to be an even better hand-to-hand fighter. A pity they had forgotten the use of guns, because that would have been very entertaining to see the look on their faces.

He might have to reintroduce fire arms solely to show these... shinobi...another new toy to fight and get even more blood. Sure they were noisy and smelly, and they would be bulky for a while...but the sheer carnage would more than make up for that.

At least they wouldn't think Seras' inhuman strength was odd. Who knew one of their own had come up with a similar super-strength technique that could almost compare to a vampire's power?

So many abilities, and the shinobi would automatically label it all as a clan technique or bloodline limit. It made Alucard laugh at how much easier it was these days to fool the humans.


	3. Chapter 3

If there was one thing that gave Alucard a good laugh, it was the fact that the village had no idea their darkest secret had been set free again entirely by accident and was now hiding under the claim of a 'kekkei genkai' as they called it. The most amusing thing being was that they kept trying to get him to chose from their women in order to add to his 'clan' ranks. The fact Seras had already claimed the position of his girlfriend and had a similar (if weaker) version of it meant it could be shared.

If they had known _exactly_ what they were trying to do, they would have been a little more hesitant about making any more.

Seras didn't mind about being used as his excuse for why he wasn't interested in the others...she wasn't inclined to share with anyone. At least, not with those presented. So for now they would have to wait until 'Drake' and Seras were able to start a family.

Until then, they lived in the apartment next to Naruko's, since no one wanted to live anywhere near the 'demon brat'. Which basically meant she lived with them, seeing as her apartment was so frequently broken into that she preferred her little sewer hideaway.

It was strange really. The girl who had awakened them was more human than the people of the village. She had been treated like shit, and yet she still managed to maintain a smile. It was a false one he recognized well, but he wasn't going to call her on it.

The fact he kept finding her cuddled up with Seras was actually kind of hilarious though.

Someone was banging on the door. Naruko, who had fallen asleep on Seras again (to Drake's open amusement, as she usually slept on Seras' chest) woke up with a snort.

Drake opened the door while Naruko hid her already developing chest. The less people knew of her staying with the two vampires, instead of her own house, the better.

He opened the door to reveal...Iruka?

"What's going on?" asked Seras, after she changed her shirt. She had gotten used to waking up with drool on her chest. Naruko had been so starved for affection that when she realized Seras didn't mind her 'master' using her as a pillow, she promptly turned the Draculina into a giant teddy bear.

The main reason Seras let it go was because it highly amused her master...that and Naruko was like a little sister anyway.

"Have you seen Naruto? Someone's going around claiming he's stolen the Forbidden Scroll."

"WHAT?! Who the hell thinks I would be stupid enough to steal that thing when Jiji's here?!" said Naruko in fury. More importantly, why would she _bother_ stealing the thing when she had copied anything worth her time and had already taken the deep dark secrets from _before_ the village was even founded?!

Iruka blinked when he saw his 'little brother' in the room. It was clear the kid had just woken up.

"Wait, if you're here then who stole the Forbidden Scroll?"

"How should I know?"

Iruka shook his head.

"You three should come with me to the Hokage's tower so we can clear this up."

* * *

The Hokage was _pissed_ someone had tried to frame the child with the theft. Because of the fact she had been asleep on Seras while the thief broke in, that meant she was cleared of the crime. But to insure that the civilians didn't try to use this against her, they would have to stay under guard until the thief was caught.

In the meantime...Naruko would catch up on her homework.

"Well?" asked the Hokage.

"We've found the thief. The thing is we haven't found out how the hell he broke in without setting off the alarms," said Tiger.

"Uh...we might be able to figure it out if we ask the expert," said Toad.

"The...expert?" said the Hokage dangerously.

Toad was glad he was wearing a mask, otherwise the Hokage would see his sheepish look.

"Naruto, could you come in here a moment?" asked the Hokage.

"What is it Jiji?"

"We want you to figure out if you can see how our thief got in."

Naruko blinked, but took a look around the room. She had broken in so many times that she was able to spot the entry point within ten seconds.

"Here. The seals have been scratched out," said Naruko with absolute assurance.

It was a small vent, almost impossible to get through. Almost. Closer inspection revealed a copious amount of oil in the vents, fresh enough that it had to be done recently...and the vents themselves were pushed outward enough that it was clear it had been a tight fit. Even without adding the scroll into the equation.

Testing the oil proved it to be a highly flammable kind, meaning someone could cause a distraction with a single spark.

"And how long have you been sneaking into my office Naruko?" asked the Hokage, less than pleased.

"Originally it was to test my skills, but then I got really, really bored and wanted to see how long it took for anyone to notice. I got really, really good at seals Jiji!" said Naruko proudly.

"I'll be having a word with the ANBU later...but for now why don't you show me how good you've gotten. If you do well I might introduce to someone," said the old man.

Naruko could read between the lines of that. Clearly the ANBU were supposed to keep _everyone_ out, and the fact they let her into the office was a big no-no. Still, this might be the break she needed.

Naruko easily duplicated the most complicated seal she knew of. Though she was smart enough to avoid using the ones she saw on Drake's hiding spot.

"Naruko... when exactly did you learn these seals?"

"I'm not stupid enough to walk around the village without a reason Jiji. Once Seras helps me with my homework, we either practice taijutsu stances indoors or Drake helps me with my seals. It's less hassle, and frankly Seras is better at picking out food than I am. I almost never go out into the village anymore," said Naruko flatly.

While he was glad Naruko had found friends, he wished she wasn't so blunt about how little she trusted the villagers.

Still...the fact she was able to do this level of seals... it looked like he would have to contact Jiraiya about insuring she didn't lose her mother (and to a certain extent her father's) heritage because of the idiots that ruled the councils.

Sarutobi reached into his desk, the one place Naruko never touched. Inside was a book on Uzumaki seals.

"Until I can get your possible new teacher here, I want you to study this."

Naruko perked up at the sight of the book.

* * *

Drake was _bored_. A very dangerous state...for those around him. Seras took one look at his expression and immediately started pacing far, far away from him. No way was she getting caught in his 'entertainment'. Not a chance in hell.

Thankfully for her sanity, Naruko came out with a new book to read.

"Thank Inari! Naruko, he's _bored_," said Seras with relief. Drake gave a fanged grin as Naruko paled.

She promptly reached into her oversized jacket and handed him a different book.

"Swiped this off of Jiji's shelf. It should take him a few hours to realize it's gone."

It was orange and had an adult's only sticker. Which in a shinobi village meant it was porn, because they didn't bother to put such a sticker on anything with violence, death, or mature language. The civilians would throw a snit otherwise.

Drake actually turned up his nose at it.

"I've read one of those, and the spelling is atrocious. Not to mention the man clearly needs someone to check the grammar, because that's actually_ worse_."

"And where, exactly, did you get your hands on a copy of _Icha Icha?"_ asked the Hokage, who deftly swiped his book back from the pilfering hands of Naruko.

"Some gray haired idiot who kept one eye covered giggling like a school girl. I had to burn the thing when I realized how poorly written it was."

The Hokage blinked twice. Drake, a mere Academy student, stole Kakashi's precious _Icha Icha _and then burned it before the man realized it? Clearly Kakashi needed to undergo remedial ANBU training if an academy student could pull that off.

"And why are you two so pale?"

"Drake plus boredom equals the apocalypse," said Naruko flatly. Seras nodded emphatically.

"Well then it's a good thing that book has explosive seals in there, isn't it?"

"And a good thing Drake explained what plausible deniability is," agreed Naruko. The Hokage's carefully hid grin said that yes, yes it was.

* * *

Naruko made good use of the seals the Hokage had given her. Between making the lives of certain council members hell without leaving any proof (thus giving them something to do _other _than give him even more paperwork), giving Drake entertainment as he helped come up with traps and pranks, and acting as Seras' sparring partner, since she could heal almost as fast as the Draculina while properly fed.

Drake had already set the groundwork for his bloody 'kekkei genkai' by explaining to the Hokage that because of his bloodline limit, he no longer had any need of actual food.

Instead he had Seras gave it to Naruko, who used the food as fuel and shared her blood with them since it meant they didn't have to hunt as often.

While it wouldn't fill Naruko up completely, it did provide her a bit more balance in her diet.

The only thing was that this new bloodline limit reminded the Hokage of something. Something he felt he should remember, but had long forgotten.

Originally he thought that perhaps Naruko had bound the old monster's corpse to her, but a check of the seals dismissed that. Perhaps Drake was the offshoot of the same bloodline of monster. It wasn't unheard of for one of them to have children, but it was _extremely_ rare.

And with how powerful Drake already was, he would bet good money that Seras, after being bitten by him, had partially turned. It would explain quite a bit.

Fortunately Drake had a habit of completely destroying any he 'fed' upon in the T and I department. If he was nothing more than the child of those creatures, then legally he didn't have to do anything. So long as he never betrayed the village, he would never voice his suspicions aloud in the presence of his shinobi.

There were some things even hardened killers like his shinobi were better off knowing. The existence of such...monsters...was one of them.

* * *

"NARUTO! DRAKE! GET BACK HERE!" shouted Iruka at the top of his lungs. Considering he was amplifying the sound with chakra, it reached halfway across the village.

Naruko and Drake snickered. They had just used the last of the paint tags, and while they had left not even a scrap of evidence it was them who just remodeled the Hokage Monument, everyone and their grandmother knew it was _them_.

Mostly because they were the _only_ people allowed to go up there without the ANBU showing up to chastise them. At this point, the ANBU quit bothering to try and curb their antics.

Instead they did something much more productive. They started leaving papers critiquing their performance and making suggestions on how to improve. Drake had laughed long and hard when he realized what they were doing.

Naruko ducked behind an alley while Drake went into the shadows, thus eluding the chunin. She was still snickering when Drake deposited her in the boy's bathroom, where she put her game face back on, hid her real hair style under a spell, flipped over her jacket revealing an orange and blue nightmare, and promptly put on her idiot's persona.

Once she loudly declared her return from the bathroom (complete with enough details to make the resident harpy throw a book at her for such disgusting information) she and Drake sat back to watch the show.

Iruka finally returned, having given up trying to catch the miscreants.

The second he saw the two sitting pretty as you please next to an exasperated Seras, an amused Hinata and a buzzing Shino, his head drooped.

_'Please, if there are any Kami who would listen to this poor overworked school teacher... please, please PLEASE_ _let those two graduate and end up on the same team...if only so Naruto and Drake will be someone else's problem!'_ Iruka mentally prayed, while appearing to be counting to ten. It was the same prayer he said every night before he went to sleep, hoping repetition would work and get rid of his most troublesome students.

Naruto was bad before he ended up winning Iruka over. With an enabler and a willing helper, he was a hundred times worse. Easily.

He would swear Drake was a spawn of Enma's fiery depths sent to make his life hell.

The fact he occasionally caught said boy looking at him speculatively while licking his fangs did not help this image. Or the fact that he had more than once woken up to a nightmare that the boy had drained his blood dry for his kekkei genkai.

The only reason he knew that it was only a nightmare was because Naruto often told Drake he wasn't allowed to 'eat' certain people. Iruka was deliriously happy that he was on that short list.

Drake saw the look Iruka was giving him, and gave a fanged grin of his own. The teacher shuddered.

That boy scared the living shit out of him, and he wasn't ashamed of that fact!

Still, the look Drake was giving him...

"Everyone, we're having taijutsu practice today! Any volunteers?" asked Iruka desperately. The other teacher, who had taken control while Iruka tried to find his wayward students (they didn't know HOW Naruto and Drake kept establishing an air-clad alibi, but as long as they kept up appearances there was no way they could give them detentions), gave him a sympathetic look.

"I want to fight Seras," said Sasuke.

Iruka sighed. Ever since the blood-eyed blond had beaten the snot out of the Uchiha heir (and wasn't one of his fan girls) the boy had become obsessed with beating her. Apparently he was of the opinion that if he could beat Seras in a taijutsu battle, then he will have gotten strong enough to challenge Itachi.

The problem was that Sasuke (and by extension his MASSIVE fan girl horde) royally pissed off Drake and Naruto frequently. Enough so that Seras had a standing order to put the Uchiha heir in his place.

Oddly, that only increased the Uchiha's attraction to her, despite the fact she had already been claimed by Drake.

He was not letting some jumped up thief get his bride. Not a chance in the unholy hell he called home when he wasn't with Naruko.

Iruka sighed, this was going to be another one of those days...


	4. Chapter 4

It was the day that Iruka both dreamed of and dreaded. For the same reasons.

He dreamed of this day because if he were extremely lucky, Naruto and Drake would graduate and be out of his hair.

He dreaded this day, because if they failed to pass again (more likely Naruto than Drake) then he would be stuck. With the hellions. For an entire _six more months_.

He would be damned if he let that happen, even if he had to forge Naruto's handwriting himself!

Naruko took one look at her test. If she didn't know any better she would swear Iruka was trying to discreetly alter her answers.

She leaned back so that Drake could hear her.

"What's he up to?"

"He's determined that hell or high water you graduate. I think we broke him," said Drake with a smirk. Naruko's evil grin matched the vampire's.

"You do realize that means you're not allowed to eat him now unless he turns traitor, right?"

"Yes, yes, I remember the list," said Drake rolling his eyes.

Naruko had a list (a very short list) of people who were off-limits. Everyone else was fair game so long as he made sure no one could pin it on him or draw the ANBU (and thus the Hokage) down on their ass.

If Drake wasn't in the mood for Naruko's blood (which was how they had hidden the fact he was a vampire), then he would go after the homeless and those too drunk to realized who or more specifically _what_ he was.

If this had been the time before the sealing, he wouldn't have even considering eating people so down on their luck that they tried to steal in a village filled with expert killers and thieves.

But this was a village of master assassins. The amount of information one could get from those people generally did their best to _avoid_ thinking about, let alone looking at was staggering. It was so easy for those with good lives to forget the homeless are not blind or stupid as they seem to believe.

So Drake happily preyed on such people...well except the scant few who didn't view his newest Master as a demon. At least he was able to tell her once and for all why they kept calling her demon child...as well as some speculations on who her parents were.

If she made genin and onto a team, she was going to start asking questions about this Kushina Uzumaki.

Next up was taijutsu, which Seras dominated. Naruko got a fairly high score, considering the assholes put her up against a freaking chunin.

It was a good thing Seras taught her all those submission holds, otherwise it wouldn't have ended as quickly (or as painfully for the chunin).

Then came the part she was openly dreading. The ninjutsu exam. While she held no illusions about the genjutsu part (she sucked, end of story), ninjutsu was one of the few things she was good at.

At least she didn't have to do that stupid clone jutsu anymore. The old standards were brought back, which meant she could do three of four standard jutsu.

Clone, Transformation, Replacement, and one she hadn't heard of before now, chakra pulse. Apparently it was a standard trick to remove wide-area genjutsu.

Since she was crap at the clone, she would have to do the three others.

"Three out of four Naruto. If you can do that you graduate in the middle of the class," said Iruka. And he didn't need to forge the boy's handwriting to do it.

Naruko took a deep breath, working from her worst to her best. She performed a replacement (her aim was occasionally off) with one of the other chunin instructors, she dispelled a genjutsu revealing two other chunin and an ANBU (she had a bad habit of overpowering that one) and then she turned into Iruka. Right down to the scar on his nose.

Iruka conferred with his colleagues, before he said with a relieved smile, "You pass."

"YES!" said Naruko in open joy. She took the hitai-ate Iruka handed her and walked out.

"No way! They let the dumbass pass?! How far did they let the standards slip anyway?" said Sakura in disbelief. Naruko had enough of Sakura Haruno's voice, and more importantly with having to be nice to her.

"Seras, could you slap her? You're closer than I am."

"Regular or extra strength?" asked Seras, as if she were commenting on the weather.

"With a silencer," said Naruko.

One minute Sakura was about to screech again, the next Seras slapped her hard on the head while placing a silencing seal (extra strength, considering the girl's voice) on her back in an area she couldn't reach.

The blow was enough to daze the girl, and the seal was strong enough to shut her up.

"Finally, blessed silence," said Naruko.

Unspoken was the fact that the entire class (bar Sakura and her equally loud friend Ino) was that they agreed with her. Ninja were supposed to be silent...Haruno was anything but. Even Naruko could be quiet when needed.

Naruko plopped down next to Drake.

"Good job. He didn't have to fake it for you to pass."

That made her much happier.

Iruka walked in with his substitute, who usually took over while he chased down Drake and his able-bodied minion 'Naruto'...as well as occasionally Kiba, among others.

"For those of you who passed, congratulations. You've taken the first step into adulthood. For those of you who failed, if this is your second time, better luck next year. Third repeaters are given a six-month probationary period to prove that they are worthy of being shinobi, whether they passed or not. At the seventh month ANBU will collect you if you haven't been accepted into the shinobi program regardless of your grades or ability and seal your chakra network. You will be given a list of people hiring those of you who can't make the cut. Now, please remember that the hitai-ate you receive today is merely a sign you have passed the initial stages of being called genin. It is not a guarantee that you will succeed in becoming a fully fledged shinobi," said Iruka.

And that right there was one of the bigger changes to the speech. Originally they didn't bother to tell the students about the six-month deadline to find other teachers. They just threw them to their jounin instructors and let them decide. They also didn't warn them that the Academy Test was only to weed out the weakest and unworthy.

Back before the Kyuubi, they didn't apologize for cutting the weak out. Then the civilian councils made them change the speech to make it nicer for their kids who weren't used to being real shinobi.

Drake snorted. He had heard about this from the Hokage himself, and frankly he liked the blunt truth more. They were training these kids to be cold-blooded killers, who cared about the niceties?

Iruka looked at them all.

"Remember, even if you fail to pass the exam of the jounin you are assigned to as genin, there is still a six-month waiting period to prove your worth. If you cannot handle being a shinobi, you will be permanently dropped from the program, your chakra sealed to within civilian levels, and your records sealed by the Hokage until needed. Before any of you think that is a good thing, when we say sealed until needed, we mean it's sealed until you show actions or behavior that could be considered as traitorous acts or against the village as a whole. I don't have to tell you what happens if we have to unseal your files to learn your strengths, weaknesses and behavioral habits."

That got quite a few of the civilian raised kids to flinch. The instructors privately marked which ones, because if they couldn't handle being told the truth, then generally they got cut from the program. None of the shinobi raised ones even cared. It was the price you paid to become a shinobi or live in a hidden village. If you were caught selling secrets or about to steal secrets, then generally you got a visit from the ANBU and sent to the T and I. And if you were really lucky, you were let go on your own power.

"You will be assigned to your jounin in three days time. This is to give them the chance to evaluate you or to return from any missions they may be on. As a forewarning, the hitai-ate you now wear are not considered valid enough to get you into any shinobi-only sections such as bars or the restricted sections of the public library where the 'adult' only books are until _after _you pass the jounin's test and become full genin. So no drinking until you pass that, or getting any 'adult' books from the stores. They will ask you for ID and verify from us that you have passed the test, so don't bother trying. If you can steal or get past the security, then clearly you're already prepared to be shinobi...and the ANBU who guard the place will put a note in your files."

Naruko, upon hearing that, grinned. She wondered how her B and E of the Hokage's office without him finding out would effect her scores. Or what she would get for breaking into Anko's booze stash for Drake, considering he had a taste for alcohol.

On second thought, it would be more entertaining to set Drake loose on her stash. If only so he could booby-trap the rest.

* * *

"_DRAKE!"_

The furious voice of one Anko Mitarashi was heard throughout the village, making most wince. When Anko was pissed, bad things happened to those that made her that way...or anyone stupid to piss her off further.

Drake smirked as he casually drank from the bottles he stole from her stash. Toad, the ANBU who got into major trouble for not mentioning to the Hokage that Naruko had broken in (repeatedly) under his watch, stared at the boy in open disbelief and awe.

"You have the largest set of balls I've ever seen on someone not yet a shinobi. If you live, you'll be considered a legend for years. If not, we'll come to your funeral in respect of getting her that pissed and stealing from her stash."

"And if I were to get her cup size?"

"We'd consider you god, especially if you survive," deadpanned Toad. No one had been suicidal enough to date Anko, let alone find out what bra size she wore. Anyone who could pull that off had to be god-like at least.

If he ever pulled it off on Tsunade, then he had to be _god_.

Drake snorted, but finished up his drink.

It was ironic really. He had become what he was because he had renounced God and everything he stood for in order to live, and yet here, thousands of years later he had found a place to call home where his abilities were not only accepted, they were wanted. A place where being a monster was considered a good thing.

Drake could honestly say he wouldn't dare trade his new master for anything. Hell, odds were he would eventually turn her and she would join the same ranks as Seras (though hopefully she wouldn't be as hesitate to drink blood as his bride was).

At least in this time he didn't have to deal with those idiots who claimed they were on a holy mission from god. Time and belief had taken out the Church, and most of their artifacts had been lost.

He had made sure of that. If it wasn't burnt, it was melted down and the spells ruined. Not even their bibles survived when he was through, once he knew the religion was on the decline.

Sure, some monks might have some spells that would hurt him...but it wouldn't be nearly as painful.

Drake grinned as he spotted Anko charging towards him with all the grace of an angry bull. He cheerfully ducked behind the tree and vanished, to her ire. He played a merry game of keep-away from the enraged woman before he calmed her fury down with a bottle of the more expensive stuff.

Anko leveled an irritated look at him.

"If you could steal the good stuff, why'd you raid my stash?"

Drake's smirk was evil.

"Better reviews once I'm made official. Iruka's speech was...enlightening..." said Drake.

Anko let off a bark of laughter.

"Ha! Now that's how the speech is supposed to be taken! You wouldn't be a very good ninja if you didn't take the speech as encouragement to cause trouble and not get caught unless you wanted to! Tell you what, if you and the blonds get a crappy teacher and don't pass, come find me and I'll take ya," said Anko with a grin.

"I'll keep that in mind. You're one of the few people in the village I actually _like_."

Drake knew better than to ask if she was a virgin. Odds were if things were manipulated just right, then she could become a vampire in her own right without having to be turned by a Master vampire.

Hell only knew the woman had the right temperament for it.

* * *

Drake took one look at their jounin instructor and knew they wouldn't get along. The man hated his Master, and he kept eying Seras in a way that made Drake a little fang happy.

After he tried (and failed spectacularly) to beat Naruko in a sparring match, and attempted to grope Seras under the guise of 'testing her taijutsu', it came time for Drake.

Because his temper was fast reaching the breaking point, Naruko fired off a clone to inform the Hokage he might be down a jounin if he didn't send someone to deal with this asshole.

Apparently he didn't believe her, because when Drake was through with the jounin, there was barely anything left to fill a kunai and shuriken pouch.

Which lead to this...

"Drake, do you have anything to say for yourself?" demanded the Hokage.

"He was a fool and he tried to beat up Naruko and grope my girlfriend?"

"Are you sure you weren't misinterpreting..."

"He was trying to grope me, believe me, I know the difference," interrupted Seras annoyed.

"Couldn't you have waited until the bastard failed us so we could arrange an 'accident, you idiot?" said Naruko exasperated.

"Naruko, you shouldn't openly discuss arranging 'accidents' for your fellow Leaf shinobi."

"He was a moron who hated the Fox, and by extension me. He tried to grope _my_ pillows with Drake within biting range, and he was stupid enough to comment on the fact he wears his hair long. If Drake didn't kill him, I would have set Anko on him after making it look like an enemy ninja did it," said Naruko with a growl.

"Your...pillows?" said the Hokage, his mind trying very hard not to come up with perverted innuendo.

What Seras said next ruined that attempt.

"Naruko had a habit of using my chest as pillows," said Seras.

"Well they're big enough," said Naruko.

"Just you wait. When your chest is large enough to act as pillows I'll use you as... Why is he bleeding from the nose?"

Drake snorted, having watched the Hokage's downward spiral of perversion with open amusement.

"Naruko, a demonstration if you wouldn't mind?"

Naruko's eyes glinted evilly as she hit the Hokage with her 'Sexy' jutsu...something that usually made Drake laugh.

That was the last straw. He passed out with a happy smile on his face.

"And...he's out. Good timing with that trick of yours, Naruko. I dare say he's mostly forgotten about the dead idiot. Let's go see if Anko was serious about her offer of being our teacher," said Drake.

"To Anko!" said Naruko, her henge still up, which made her...assets...bounce rather impressively. The ANBU barely kept from following the Hokage in perverted la-la land.


	5. Chapter 5

"You killed your instructor without having a good alibi? What sort of shinobi are you Drake?" said Anko appalled.

"He was trying to turn Naruko into a punching bag while groping Seras in front of me. He should be glad I didn't draw it out."

"I told you we should have waited to arrange an 'accident' they couldn't pin on us," said Naruko rolling her eyes.

"See that? That's what a shinobi is supposed to do when someone royally pisses you off! You wait and then you arrange an 'accident' when you have an airtight alibi for why it wasn't you!" said Anko proudly.

"Speaking of... I'll give you a discount if you make a list as long as you agree to be our jounin sensei," said Naruko.

Anko promptly hugged Naruko's face close to her chest. As usual, the insane kunoichi wasn't even wearing a bra, to Drake's amusement. Naruko's face went right between them.

"I am so proud! Look how fast these baby genin grow up to be good shinobi!" she said with fake tears of joy.

"Honk, honk," said Naruko, giving both of them a good squeeze.

"So is that a yes to being our teacher so we don't have to deal with any more idiots?" asked Seras.

"Didn't Drake tell you? I told him if he ended up with some loser, to come to me and I'd take you under my vast wings," said Anko bouncing a little. Her chests went up and down a little, emphasizing what 'wings' she was referring to. Drake's grin didn't falter, but you could tell he was very amused.

He got along way too easily with Anko for the Hokage's comfort.

* * *

Once the Hokage recovered, he waited until he heard the assessments. Out of all of them, only two surprised him the most.

"Team 7, failed."

"Team Anko, pass," said a voice from the wall. Anko had come in early, and everyone automatically assumed she had something to report to the Hokage. Quite a few people choked when they heard her say that.

"I wasn't aware there was a genin team assigned to you Mitarashi-san," said Asuma.

"There wasn't, but a trio of itty bitty genin came straight to me after they dealt with the one they were assigned when he turned out to be a dick, and asked me to be their teacher instead. They were so adorable I agreed to take them under my...wings..." said Anko with a lecherous leer.

"Who the hell was suicidal enough to ask you to be their jounin instructor?!" said one jounin incredulously. He winced at the glare she shot him.

The Hokage, however, let his head thump a few times on the desk.

"Drake's group went to you, didn't they? I wondered where they ran off too after they came to report their teacher," said Sarutobi.

"They're all so adorably bloodthirsty I had to keep them! No way am I letting some sub-par genin go out into the world!" said Anko, thumping her chest and causing it to go up and down a bit.

"In the interest of keeping 'accidents' down, I'll let this slide. You'll have three months to get them up to at least low chunin rank in skill or power."

"Deal," said Anko. Naruko only needed a little training, and the other two were easily chunin level already. They'd be on B rank missions and skipping those dumbass D ranks in a few weeks tops.

"Hokage-sama, you can't seriously be considering allowing _her_ to train genin!" protested one idiot.

"Anko is a loyal shinobi of the Leaf, and I have every confidence in her. She can't be worse than Kakashi, who has _yet_ to pass a single team."

"To be fair, the Uchiha kid was all hype and nothing else. He's got his head up his ass so far that he can see the light," said Kakashi.

Anko let off a bark of laughter.

"Ha! Nice one scarecrow!"

* * *

"Well?"

"Hokage-sama will allow it, if only because you three would raise hell otherwise and might cause more damage. However I have to get the runt up to chunin level in three months at least," said Anko.

Drake laughed.

"Naruko's almost at that level anyway!"

"Exactly. If I can't get her to chunin level in that time frame, then I must be doing something wrong," said Anko in agreement.

"So what next?"

"First we get the runt up to speed, then we head straight for C ranks. No way in hell am I getting stuck doing the village chores... why we can't outsource the stupid things to dumbass academy students I'll never know," said Anko.

"Uh... D ranks?" said Naruko.

"Basically lazy villagers get genin to do their grocery shopping, household chores, babysitting and worse, catch the menace known as Tora, the Fire Daimyo's Wife's cat," said Anko, "They're boring as hell, and I am not about to unleash someone with Drake's bad habit of going on a rampage when boredom hits on something like that."

Drake gave her a fanged grin.

* * *

On Naruko's first out-of-Konoha mission, Anko told Drake to keep an eye on their things while they dragged the girl on a much needed shopping trip for necessary things like clothes. Anko kept getting migraines just looking at the orange monstrosity, and Seras wasn't that big a fan of orange to begin with.

Drake literally fell off the bench he was sitting on, laughing his ass off as Naruko had the biggest '_HELP ME!'_ look on her face while they dragged her off.

When they came back, it was a major improvement. Naruko kept tugging at her clothes, embarrassed.

"That was pure hell," said Naruko flatly.

"No, watching you run around in that orange was hell. You can only wear that during your runs with the ANBU."

Naruko blinked.

"You're not going to tell me to stop pranking people?"

"Hell no! It's stress release that doubles as training! If you can't escape from your allies, how do you expect to escape from your enemies?" said Anko.

"Besides, it's a good way to warn people off before you have to take more drastic measures, like arranging accidents where you have an alibi," Drake piped up. Anko nodded in agreement.

"So what exactly was our mission again?"

"Shopping. There's an exclusive store that opens only a few times a year, and the Akimichi who hired us was on a mission, so we have to buy as many as we can. The more we buy, the more we get paid. The only catch is that there's a three item limit at the store," said Anko.

"...I'm going to be the one to go in, aren't I?"

"We're all going in, but since most people won't expect a itty bitty genin to make shadow clones, let alone as many as you can make, you're doing most of the shopping," said Anko. Then she pulled out some seals. "And in case they do suspect it's a clone, these will let them survive for four hits max."

"We'd have to paint them on the clones in mass," said Drake.

"Or have the clones paint them," said Seras.

"How did you learn Shadow clone anyway?"

"Toad ignored the fact I used to break into the old man's office, and after finding a safe full of platinum edition _Icha Icha _all signed by the author, I decided to try my luck with the big scroll. Took me forever to figure out how to remove the seals and then replace them without the old man finding out," shrugged Naruko.

Anko's mind was on two things. One, a girl not even a genin had broken in repeatedly and stolen the entire forbidden scroll. And two, the Hokage had the complete Platinum Edition of _Icha Icha_ signed by Jiraiya himself. Something that costs more than most S ranks without the signature.

"How the hell did you not pass the genin exam before now?!" asked Anko finally.

"The instructors at the academy were assholes," said Naruko simply. She grinned, "But none at the academy knew I was a girl except for a few."

"Let's keep up with that joke, but once you start developing a bigger bust we are going to shock the entire village revealing you were a girl the whole time."

Drake grinned.

"Now that's out of the way, let's get to finishing this mission!" said Anko.

In the end they earned more than a B-rank in pay thanks to Naruko's use of clones and the seals Anko had. If an ANBU couldn't see through her henge, no way in hell an ex-shinobi would.

* * *

Sasuke Uchiha was _pissed_. Not only did he have to find another teacher, but he also found out that the man who had been told to be his original genin instructor was known around the village as 'Sharingan' Kakashi. A man who was almost Kage level, and he thought the last Uchiha wasn't worth his time.

To add to the humiliation, it seemed the word had gotten out, and now most of the jounin were on missions far out of the village and not due to return in weeks.

However the dead last moron Naruto and his idiot friends had gotten a jounin almost immediately after they damn near killed their last teacher.

It was insulting that the dead last had found a teacher whereas he had to _beg_ for one.

* * *

Naruko paused as she watched Kiba and his group chase after the cat. She shuddered.

_'Thank Inari Anko hates those kind of missions...'_ she privately thought.

She heard about Tora. It was even more evil than Drake when he was bored.

"Hey, Naruto," said Shikamaru, holding a large grocery bag.

"Hey Shika. Grocery shopping mission?" guessed Naruko.

"Ino seems to hone in on the damn things," complained Shikamaru.

"Guess we got lucky with our spare teacher. Anko hates D ranks, we've been doing close to Leaf C ranks for a month," said Naruko.

"...For the love of kami don't tell that to Ino, or I'll never hear the end of it," said Shikamaru. He didn't mind doing D ranks, because Asuma only made them do two a day and they were done. The rest of the day he just played shogi with him.

"So let me get this straight...you guys spend all day watching you play shogi with your teacher while the others spar against each other? How many out-of-village missions have you had?" asked Naruko slowly.

"If you count tilling a farm outside the village walls," he started, but Naruko shook her head.

"It has to be at _least_ five miles outside the walls for it to count."

"Zero."

"How much intensive training have you done?"

"Not much. I think Asuma expects us to train with our dads."

Naruko grimaced. It was like the Third Hokage's son expected to be handed a good team on a silver platter just because they were all from established clans.

Anko was of the firm opinion that you sweat a little in training to avoid bleeding when you left the village.

She was going to tell the Old Man about this. His son shouldn't be so lazy.

* * *

Anko took one look at Naruko and laughed her ass off. Naruko came to the training ground whistling innocently.

"You're the one who told the Hokage about his son not performing his duty, aren't you?" she said grinning.

"All I did was repeat what Shikamaru told me about how Asuma was training them. Not my fault if Jiji called in his son to give him the riot act about it," said Naruko.

"Oh man, that was hilarious to see the Hokage yell at him. And Kurenai wanted me to invite you to their usual location once they finish training for the day for dinner. She hadn't laughed that hard in a long time, and she told her idiot boyfriend that leaving the training to their clans was going to bite him in the ass," cackled Anko.

"Wait, Kurenai is dating Asuma?" said Seras.

"They're hush-hush about it, don't know why, but it's been pissing Kurenai off that Asuma was just playing shogi with the Nara kid instead of training them like he's being paid to do."

"You get paid to train us? Why don't more jounin take on genin teams?"

"One, while it's essentially a paid vacation most jounin can't stand the snot nosed brats that come out. Two, most prefer the higher ranking missions to be stuck with the village chores until the brats make either chunin or turn twenty. That's the cut off for being a teacher, since if you survive to twenty it's assumed you've pretty much got the basics down."

"Sounds appropriate," said Naruko.

"Funny thing is, from what I hear the great 'Last Uchiha' is having one hell of a time getting a teacher. Seems all those who would gladly kiss his ass went away on missions," said Anko.

Naruko wasn't the only one grinning. Drake and Seras were too.

"Serves that little prick right," said Drake. Seras nodded in agreement.

The last Uchiha had a serious obsession with her because she consistently kicked his ass and didn't show any signs of being one of his fan girls.

All those other idiots spent countless hours looking pretty when they could have had Sasuke simply by being better kunoichi. It was rather ironic.

Sasuke would be cutting it really close if he wanted to get a new sensei since Kakashi refused to train him. And to add insult to injury, he took a long term mission to a smaller village that used to be a port for Uzushiogakure called Wave that had quit reporting months ago.

"In other news, if you do well on the next C rank I pulled out we might be able to jump straight to B ranks!"

"What's our next C rank?"

"We're acting as couriers to Suna, and there's this kid there that's almost as bloodthirsty as fang-face, except he doesn't drink it. He's also an insomniac, so it's a pain in the ass if you run into him. Rumor has it he's the carrier of the One-tailed tanuki," explained Anko.

"So he's almost like me except he has less?"

"Pretty much."

"Neat. Wait, are we allowed to corrupt him once he realizes that he's not impressing us?" asked Naruko.

Anko's expression was priceless.

"Oh man if you pull that off that would be the funniest prank I've ever seen. Corrupting the youngest son of the Kazekage! You could turn him into your boy toy!" cackled Anko.

Naruko made a face.

"No way. If I had to be stuck with some annoying guy, I'd rather date Drake. At least he's tolerable!" said Naruko grimacing. That gave Drake an odd expression of his own.


	6. Chapter 6

"I'm bored."

As one, the three women winced.

"Do something!" hissed Anko to Naruko.

"What do you expect me to do?"

"You're the prank queen! He's too young to do anything with her, so..." said Anko, looking at Seras.

The team was heading to Suna for a simple trade mission and conversion/corruption of the Suna's jinchuriki. The Hokage didn't know about their _other_ plans though, or he would have given it to someone else.

Naruko blinked, before she had a sudden idea.

"When do we reach that oasis?" asked Naruko seriously.

"About another hour."

"Drake, how long till sundown?"

"Three at least."

"We'll travel at night to save water. Until then you two get to have some fun on the blanket I sealed just in case this happened," said Naruko seriously. Drake's grin widened considerably. He had been getting rather frustrated of late.

"You're not seriously telling him to..."

"They're not actually my age, and frankly this keeps him out of our hair while we restock on water. Can we trust you?"

"Kid, you three treat me better than half the village does at this point. As far as I'm concerned if it doesn't turn me into a traitor to the Leaf it's none of the Hokage's business," deadpanned Anko.

"Drake? Seras?" said Naruko.

The two exchanged a look, before their forms shifted. Where two teenagers were before, there was a now a very top heavy blond woman with red eyes, and an overly amused man in almost all red with yellow tinted sunglasses and white gloves.

Anko's jaw dropped.

"What the fuck..."

"Anko, meet one of the village's darkest secrets. I accidentally released him a couple of years ago, and then set her loose shortly after to keep him entertained. They're both older than the Kyuubi and the Hokage combined, and three times as bloodthirsty. And so long as no one tries to take my pillows, we'll have no problems," said Naruko far too cheerfully.

Anko eyed Drake.

"I think I've heard of a monster before the village was born. Some sort of demonic hell beast that used to terrorize the civilians before it was sealed and tales of horrifying monsters disguised as humans who used to eat everyone and convert the dead into their own. You're telling me he's the monster?"

Naruko nodded cheerfully and without any hesitation whatsoever hugged him.

"Fuck. So long as you don't go after any of ours or try to destroy the village, you're not my problem," said Anko flatly.

Orochimaru was a monster. Drake was just an asshole with a weird ability. So long as he didn't go on a rampage like the Kyuubi, he wasn't her problem and she saw no reason to report it.

Drake...no, Alucard...snorted.

"Please give me some credit. Why do you think I've been letting people think I have a weird blood-based kekkei genkai this entire time? Though I must admit, seeing people almost literally thrown their 'innocent' daughters my way in hopes of adding more to the village is hilarious."

"The only one I'd consider sharing with at this point is Naruko-chan...and possibly you as well Anko-sensei. None of those vapid bimbos is worthy of even licking my feet, let alone being chosen by Master," said Seras with a growl.

"Wait, what do you mean 'sharing' with Naruko and mean?" demanded Anko.

Seras hooked a thumb at an overly amused Alucard.

"Master is a centuries old monster who's been married more times than any other male alive. He doesn't need to be a peeping tom like that ass Jiraiya...he could have anyone he wanted if he felt like it. It just there are very few people..._worthy_...of his attentions. I was lucky."

Anko eyed Alucard speculatively.

"Centuries old? Gotten laid more times than any man could possibly count?"

Alucard smirked.

"Care to find out?"

"No biting her Alucard. Odds are at some point she'll end up converted on her own and I don't want to deal with Anko-sensei turning into a ghoul," said Naruko.

"What are you going to be doing until the sun goes down?"

"Trying to beat an ancient fox demon with far too much free time and far too many comments on certain positions for my wandering hands at Shiritori," said Naruko.

Seras stared at her.

"I was wondering why your hands started to wander in places they shouldn't," she deadpanned.

* * *

Rikudo Kurama, the Nine tailed fox, was in a very good mood.

Not only was the brat a worthy opponent, her 'team' was the most amusing group he had encountered in far too long...and unlike her mother, she was more than happy to accommodate him whenever she used her fellow blond as a pillow at night. Naruko had delved into her mind to drown out the sounds of Alucard and the others.

From the sound of it, Anko was very much a screamer...thank the Sage Naruko had already packed silencing seals.

Not for her, no. She had packed them for just this scenario. After all, anyone stupid enough to interrupt them was more likely to be killed by Alucard or a frustrated Anko and Seras.

"So you want to start or should I?" asked Naruko.

Kurama smirked.

"**You go ahead brat."**

Naruko grinned from her spot on Kurama's front left leg where his tails curled around her as she said "Blood."

"**Death."**

"Heart."

"**Tendons."**

"Sacrifice..."

And so the game went. Every so often Kurama would throw in some perverted words or phrases, and Naruko would match him. Alucard would be amused.

Eventually she was shaken by an amused Alucard, who had shifted back into 'Drake' with a tired but satisfied Seras and Anko behind him.

"You were right...he _is_ good," said Anko leering at him.

"Glad you decided to 'train' us then?"

"Hell yes! Do you have _any_ idea how hard it is to find a decent guy in that damn village that won't hold my bastard of a sensei against me? Or worse, is a pervert who can't handle having a real girl?" said Anko.

No way in hell was she giving up Alucard. Not if they were willing to let her join. It was the most fun she'd had in years! Besides...it was so hard to find able and willing cohorts just as sadistic and bloodthirsty as she was.

"What were you doing for two hours anyway?"

"Shiritori with the fox. He's a bit annoyed you interrupted the game."

"Didn't you find a seal that would let him out in a clone for a few hours?" asked Drake.

"Yeah, near right before the middle of the scroll. Looked like it was made by my great-aunt," said Naruko.

"Bring him out and ask him if he wouldn't mind killing time by playing with all of us. Those who repeat a word already used get removed from the game, winner gets to pick how we start the conversion of this Gaara kid," said Drake.

Naruko tilted her head before she had a wide grin.

"He's in, but he wants first crack at pissing off Shukaku the sand rat," said Naruko.

A few hand seals and one painted seal on the clone, and Kurama was out.

"**You are officially my favorite demon from the pits of hell, and I mean that sincerely. I _hate_ that damn cage."**

"Monsters should stick together, besides you're pretty much her pet at this point."

"**So long as you remember to let me out before you convert her to vampire first. Her mother survived the removal process, and I see no reason she shouldn't since she was exposed to my chakra since before she was even born."**

"You're not going to turn on her after are you?"

"**And piss you off? Not a chance. I'd rather _live_ thank you, than anger a creature who's been around longer than my father," **came the Kyuubi's deadpan response. Drake smirked.

"Good."

"So...who wants to go first?" asked Anko, cricking her neck.

"I'll start us off. Blood," said Seras.

"Dragon,"said Drake.

"Naginata," said Anko happily.

"**Allegory_,"_ **said Kurama.

Naruko twitched... before she said "Yelp."

"Paint," said Seras, as they continued walking towards the Sand village.

* * *

Gaara thought it was going to be a boring night...with the possible assassination attempt to spice things up.

He wasn't expecting to see a group from the Leaf watching him...or for them to pull out score cards of all things when they saw him kill a random shinobi his father had forced into trying to kill him.

He twitched.

"Why do I only rate a five?" he finally asked the group.

"Death was too quick, uninspired and overall the bloodshed wasn't much to look at," came the deadpan response from the boy (or was it girl?) with the whiskers.

"You're not afraid of me?" said Gaara, more surprised than anything.

The blond hooked a thumb at their long haired teammate.

"He is the scariest motherfucker you'll ever meet in a dark alley, let alone in broad daylight when he's bored. Compared to him, you're an amateur."

The boy grinned. It was a strange mixture of fear and comfort for Gaara.

The red head was silent before he asked "Any suggestions?"

The next morning he gave Suna's T and I squad a heart attack when he showed up asking for pointers on how to be a 'more terrifying killer', as someone had apparently called him out on how boring his kills were and that he might as well do something before killing the idiots who pissed him off.

And that was before they found out that same someone informed him that pranks were an excellent way to both kill time and get some training in...not to mention get back at people who royally pissed you off but you couldn't kill outright.

By the time Naruko and the others left Suna, the Kazekage didn't know whether to thank them for giving Gaara a better outlet for his bloodlust and giving him something that was almost as good as sleep but didn't let Shukaku out, or for giving him ideas on how to make the Kage's life hell without any chance of payback considering Gaara would come back soon after ten times worse.

It should be said that the Kazekage was usually the most consistent victim for Gaara's pranking habits (he got an entire book of pointers written by Naruko herself, who immediately claimed him as her 'adorably homicidal brother', to everyone's amusement) as payback for all the times he sent assassins after his own son.

It took him _weeks_ before he connected Gaara's new outlets and the sudden decrease in death-by-sand to the genin team who had come in to trade rare medical plants from Konoha. He still sent a note to the Hokage about it.

* * *

"Team Blood, care to explain why I just got a letter from the Kazekage thanking you for giving his son a more 'healthy' career path but asking you not to give him any more pointers?" asked the Hokage. He had the feeling this was going to be good.

"You mean Gaara? He's like me only he had one tail. We saw him kill some idiot and he wanted to know what he could do to improve his kills," said Naruko innocently.

"What."

"I told them about the red head brat in Suna and how he was called a demon, and they wanted to meet him. Some idiot tried to kill him and they gave him a 'score' for his kill, and he asked what he could do to improve it when Naruto told him he wasn't scarier than Drake here," said Anko proudly.

"We told him to visit his village's T and I department to ask for tips," said Naruko helpfully. "Apparently they wanted to scout him sooner, but they couldn't because the Kazekage wouldn't let them. Since he went to them he's been inducted into their department as a shadow operative."

"Was that before or after you gave him that book you wrote?" asked Seras.

"Before. Besides, I wasn't the one evil enough to tell him how to find something that's almost exactly like sleep but isn't," said Naruko looking at Seras pointedly.

Seras had once bought one of those dating sims out of curiosity after hearing about it from the other kunoichi in class. None of them could play the thing without falling asleep or having their brain melt within twenty minutes of playing it. It was that boring.

For Gaara, however, it was the perfect way to sleep without sleeping. It let his mind sort out the information of the day without giving Shukaku any chance to take control, because he would fall asleep out of boredom too.

Naruko's advice to him was to get really, really good at Shiritori...apparently it was a game the Sage used to play with the Bijuu when they were really little, along with riddles and they enjoyed it even if they hated their hosts.

Strangely that only seem to improve Gaara's relation with his "mother".

The Hokage could feel a headache coming on. At least nothing bad came out of that mess.


	7. Chapter 7

After the relative success with Suna...and the fact they actually strengthened the ties between Suna by giving their unstable Jinchruriki an outlet they couldn't complain about (thus increasing the survivability of jounin and chunin in the village by 90 percent), the Hokage was going to send Team Blood (as they were collectively called since nearly every single member was a bloodthirsty psychopath... it fit better than the name Team Anko did) to Kusagakure to see if they couldn't get some new poisons and improve their relationship.

If nothing else he'd sick a bored Drake on Kumo. The mental scarring should be payment enough for the crap they pulled on the Hyuuga clan, and despite being a mere genin Drake had already acquired a reputation for the being the most bloodthirsty and evil genin of the entire village.

Basically a younger, male version of Anko with a bigger penchant for dogs instead of snakes. Unfortunately despite the fact he genuinely liked dogs, the Inuzuka refused to let him purchase one.

And they were the biggest supplier of dogs in the village.

* * *

"So we're heading to the village with the poisons?" said Naruko.

"After the success we had in Suna he's hoping we could do the same for them. Well that and he's not about to leave a bored Drake in the village. Goodbye chores!" cheered Anko.

"Can we learn explosive tags while we walk?" asked Naruko.

Anko beamed at her.

"That's my favorite brat! Let's learn to blow things up...and this is our _second_ lesson Drake, a plausible reason it wasn't us!"

Seras and Naruko snickered. Out of all of them, only Drake didn't seem to get the idea of plausible denialbility. If he had done something, he was usually too smug to pass for innocent.

"Do I have to?" he asked.

"You do if you want any nookie on this trip," said Anko, looking at Seras. The more busty blond grinned evilly, and suddenly Drake didn't look so confident.

"You wouldn't," he growled.

"Oh yes, I would. Either we teach you a few new tricks and how to avoid bringing the wrath of our victims down on our heads, or we might end up sealed again. In case you've forgotten, _Drake_, that's how those damn Uchiha put us in those dark holes to begin with. You got too cocky," said Seras glaring at him. "You might not remember this, but I wasn't unconscious when they sealed me in that coffin. It took _years_ before I finally went into hibernation from starving."

Drake really started to growl. He hadn't been aware of the fact Seras had still been alive and kicking whens she was sealed into her coffin where they found her.

Speaking from experience, starving until the hibernation cycle kicked in was _never_ fun.

"Who was the shinobi responsible for sealing you?" asked Drake.

"It was an Uchiha. I think they called him Madara, but that's only because I recognized a picture of the carved monoliths at the Valley of the End," said Seras.

"Wait, wait, wait. _Madara Uchiha_ sealed you in a coffin? Why?" said Anko. They were well outside of Konoha and off the beaten paths, so there wasn't anyone to hear them.

"Because _someone_ got cocky and went on a rampage after one too many drinks and did something to piss them off," said Seras glaring at her boyfriend.

"So it's Drake's fault you were sealed? What, did he get bored or something?" asked Naruko.

"Yes. And then he went and got drunk on two villages worth of alcohol, went on a bloody rampage that drew the local shinobi down on us, pissed off the two founders of Konoha, and then, to top it all off, fell asleep and was sealed before he had the decency to suffer from a damn hangover! And when they found out I was with him and had the same potential abilities, they sealed _me_ up in my own coffin and locked me away!"

"Can't you just forget it already? We're out now aren't we?"

As one, all three females turned to stare at him with mixed incredulity and annoyance.

"We're women. We can hold a grudge forever and make you suffer for it until we think you've done enough groveling...and then we'll still hold it over your head," said Anko slowly, as if talking to an idiot.

Drake winced.

* * *

Karin Uzumaki was _bored_. Fortunately her best friend Integra was usually able to entertain her for several hours, if not days.

Integra was an oddball in a shinobi village. She was a civilian, but she could fight better than most chunin. She refused again and again to be tied down by the shinobi system, despite several attempts to make her a genin.

About the most 'shinobi' training she got was sparring with Karin.

However recently Integra seemed to have perked up. She was almost excited for the past couple of days.

"What's got you all worked up? You're never this happy except when you volunteer for cleaning up at the hospital and you get your hands on some blood," said Karin.

"Someone very special is coming to the village soon! I can't wait! I'm so excited!" said the raven haired girl.

"Who could possibly be coming that would get you this happy?"

"I'm sure you'll figure it out quickly enough when they get here. In the meantime, pranks?"

"Meh, why not. I'm bored anyway and I really don't want to go with that creepy pale guy who keeps showing up. I swear that creep is leering at me," shuddered Karin.

Karin might have fallen for it...if they had let her bring Integra with her. Finding out civilians weren't welcomed to this 'Sound' place was all she needed to hear.

"Smarten up brats! We got a diplomatic team coming in from Konoha here to trade for antidotes. The last thing I want to deal with is you idiots making a bad impression on a major village!" barked Karin's genin instructor. The man was a real asshole.

Sometimes Karin wished Integra would eat him. She was aware she had a weird kekkei genkai that involved blood... but she never got to see her use it. It was why she worked at the hospital and was classed as a 'civilian contractor' despite the fact she could easily be a shinobi.

However the second Karin met eyes with the lone male of the group, she knew. This was why Integra had been so excited... her family had come to get her!

* * *

Seras had been getting this weird feeling of impending doom. Or chaos. With Drake as her mate it was generally the same feeling.

There was a knock at the door, and the second Naruko opened it, there was a blur of black and white as something tackled Drake to the floor. Naruko stared for five seconds before she laughed her ass off.

"I missed you daddy!"

Seras, once she recognized who it was, quickly joined Naruko in laughing her ass off.

She had forgotten Integra had been exploring the world without them when Alucard pissed off what would become Konoha.

"Okay, who the hell is this? I mean it's hilarious to see the big bad bloodsucker end up tackled by a kid, but still."

"Meet Integra...our daughter," said Seras once she got over her laughing fit.

"You had a kid? Is that even possible?" said Anko.

"If you can shapeshift, you can get knocked up, vampire or no. The main problem some of our kind has is that they're essentially _stuck_ at that age without any chance of allowing their body to compensate for the natural changes pregnancy causes. That's not the case for Drake, and by extension myself. Believe me, it's caused quite a lot of envy among some of the others," said Seras shrugging.

"So why wasn't she locked up with you guys?" asked Naruko.

"I was exploring when Daddy got drunk and pissed off the shinobi. It's easier to pretend to be a human medic than it is to let everyone and their grandmother know what I am," said Integra.

Easiest way to hide you were a vampire? Pretend to be a medic or get used to draining fresh corpses of their blood. She probably knew more about the human body and how to fix it than any other creature alive.

Ironic considering she was named after one of the few humans that earned the respect of both Seras and Drake.

"She's not a shinobi is she?"

"Civilian contractor, much to the dismay of the idiots who run this place," said Integra smugly. Civilians could leave shinobi village whenever they damn well felt like, provided there wasn't a ban on leaving. Shinobi had to deal with far too much red tape.

"Got any friends you want to take with you?" asked Drake, once he got up.

"Just Karin. She's the only one I've bothered telling because she's my friend."

"Shinobi or civilian?"

"Uzumaki Karin, genin," said Integra.

"Did you just say Uzumaki?" said Anko. Integra nodded. "Hell, all we have to do is get Naruko to claim her and we could probably get a deal to bring her back with us!"

"Say what now?"

"You are the daughter of the last Uzumaki clan head. Which makes you the heir of the Uzumaki clan, even if it is scattered. That means you can claim this Karin girl as part of the clan and they'll have to release her. If you get enough you might even be able to reopen the Uzumaki clan home, which has been under lockdown since no one could get past the seals they left behind before the village they had was destroyed."

"Looks like we're both bringing back family, eh Drake?" said Naruko happily.

"You do realize you'll have to call him little brother, considering you look about fourteen, right?" said Anko grinning.

"Why are you wearing a Konoha headband anyway daddy?"

"Because it was easier to hide. Better to be on the team of our new Master than to be stuck as some breeding tool," muttered Drake annoyed.

"Which one? The blond fox or the crazy snake?" asked Integra.

"Fox," said Seras.

"Does this mean I get new pillows to sleep on?" asked Naruko.

Seras grinned evilly at her daughter.

"Why yes, yes it does. And possibly an extra set if this Karin is female."

"Momma, what are you talking about?"

"Naruko here likes to sleep on my chest and turn them into pillows. I swear she's either a lesbian or bi! And what's with all the freaking drool anyway?"

"Most of my dreams involve ramen in some shape or form," said Naruko helpfully. Seras glared at her, before giving her one hell of a noogie.

Integra stared, before an evil grin spread on her face.

"Oh we're gonna have fun later..."

* * *

Karin stared. Naruko stared back.

"I've got family?" she said dumbly. Naruko nodded grinning.

"Favorite food?" asked Naruko.

"Ramen!"

"Me too!" said Naruko happily.

The two just meshed well. While Naruko chatted away to her cousin and her best friend, Anko was busy working on negotiations on poisons and antidotes.

"So are you really going to ask the Hokage if I can be put on your team?"

"You might have to deal with a probation period, but as long as you help keep Drake from being bored and causing havoc...again...for the third time this month... I don't see why Jiji would say no. Personally I can't wait to see his expression when he realizes we're also bringing in a civilian contractor! It's sure to make the heads of those stuck up elders explode!" said Naruko gleefully.

"Actually now that I know Daddy and Momma are awake and active again, I'll be wandering from village to village looking for the lost Uzumaki clan," interrupted Integra.

Karin looked crushed.

"But you'll still come to visit often right?"

"I get blood without having to sneak it out of the hospital, what do you think?" deadpanned Integra.

Naruko was a walking blood bank, and as long as they didn't tried to feed directly from her, she had no issues with supplying them with it. She healed fast anyway, and she used to spill blood for a lot dumber reasons.

"So do you have any brothers or sisters I should know about?" asked Naruko.

"Well I'm the oldest, but I do have a little brother. Or did, anyway. Little shit got eaten by a bijuu a century or so ago," said Integra scowling.

Naruko blinked. That sounded very familiar.

"This wouldn't have happened in Suna would it?"

"It was the desert village as I recall. I don't bother remembering names considering I move around so much. Symbols, yes, names, no."

Naruko snickered, before she drew a rough sketch of an hour glass with a rectangle above it.

"Did they have this headband?"

"Yeah, that's the one. Why?"

Naruko fell over laughing her ass off.

"What's so funny?" asked Karin.

"The kid stuck with your brother and the bijuu calls Shukaku 'Mother'!"

Integra's lips twitched upward.

"You're telling me that my baby brother is being called 'mother'?" said Integra. Naruko nodded.

Integra couldn't help it, she fell over laughing.

That was hilarious and absolutely blackmail worthy.

* * *

The Hokage's face twitched. He couldn't help it. He sent Team Blood on a simple diplomatic exchange for antidotes and poisons, and they come back with an Uzumaki, a civilian contractor, and what appeared to be a wolf cub that seemed rather partial to Drake.

"Let me get this straight. I send you on yet another simple trade mission and you come back with a cousin, an older sister...and a wolf. Is this going to be a theme with you?" asked the Hokage.

"Probably," admitted Naruko unrepentant.

Integra was claiming Drake as her 'brother', and since the DNA would match that made her family.

And Karin...she was like the glassed version of Kushina right down to the fiery temper. Enough said. They were glad to be rid of her and the headache that was Integra.

The Hokage pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Iruka, make a note that they aren't allowed any more diplomatic missions unless they're willing to fill out all the paperwork they bring back," said the Hokage.

Iruka nodded, wide eyed in disbelief.

"Now since there's no way I can let you take her out of the village until the probationary period is over, you five are going to be doing guard duty."

Anko grinned.

"And me?"

"I'll authorize a special pass so you can get through the gates with any more Uzumaki you find faster, so long as they pass inspection by the hospital and Anko," deadpanned the Hokage, looking at Integra.

He had limited authority over civilians, but he did have authority on the gates.


	8. Chapter 8

"Okay, explain to me how the hell a rookie genin team ended up with two months of guard duty...and yet are here playing strip poker?" said Kotetsu. He and his partner Izumo generally ended up stuck as the ones at the East gate. They were considered the face of Konoha for most civilians.

Naruko snickered.

"Karin's from Kusa, but she's on probation...and Jiji isn't dumb enough to stick us with the village chores for fear of Drake going on a prank spree the likes the gods have never seen. So we got guard duty, freeing up the chunin to take more important missions...and with shadow clones it means we have enough free time to work on fuinjutsu or our poker skills," explained Naruko.

"Uh-huh. And the wolf cub?"

"Inuzuka won't sell any of theirs to Drake, and by extension neither will any of the shinobi-run stores. Only civilians will, and he wanted a nin dog. So on the way home he found a wolf cub that lost it's mother and it adopted him. Kiba's still pissed that we found a nin-hound so easily," said Naruko snickering.

"Damn. How the hell do you guys keep getting mixed in with that much weird luck?" asked Izumo a little envious.

Without hesitation, every single person there barring Naruko and Karin who hadn't had much experience with her cousin, pointed right at the grinning blond with blue eyes.

"Blame the fox," they said with weird unison.

"You guys are mean. Besides, he's still grumbling over the fact I'm not letting him play strip poker with us," said Naruko.

She would swear that Kurama was as big a pervert as Drake... except Drake didn't need to be a pervert like Jiraiya of the Sannin. He had his girl and he didn't need to go looking for more unless they passed Seras first.

"So...any of you hear about the Uchiha brat?" asked Izumo, settling in.

One of the few perks of guard duty was that you could share village gossip to kill time.

Izumo and Kotetsu were pleased that no one bothered to get dressed. Particularly the women, seeing as how they were the ones playing while Drake read a book out of boredom.

"Don't tell me...the idiot from a clan of thieves _finally_ got a teacher," said Naruko dryly.

"Nope. The Hokage read the little shit the riot act because his high and mighty attitude problem was keeping him from getting a teacher...and then threatened to expel him from the shinobi program early if he didn't learn that just because he was the last of his clan didn't automatically give him privileges the other clans didn't."

"Let me guess...the Civilian council threw up a fit when they found out," said Naruko grinned evilly.

"Oh yeah. They threw a _hell_ of a tantrum and the Hokage realized where most of that superiority crap came from. He's ordered the kid to undergo a long series of _real_ therapy sessions from the Yamanaka clan since the doctors he went to before lied about the results. If he doesn't get his head out of his ass he'll be stuck as a breeder instead of a proper shinobi. Not exactly good since he's openly admitted his primary goal in life is to kill Itachi, his own brother," said Kotetsu.

When it came down to it, most shinobi liked 'Naruto' a hell of a lot better than they did the Uchiha brat.

Naruko looked vengefully gleeful at the news.

This wasn't Kurama's hatred of the Uchiha. No, this was payback for all the shit she went through whether directly or indirectly because of that asshole.

Because of Sasuke, she had to deal with a bunch of damn fangirls who would gladly beat the shit out of her whenever she tried to 'one-up' the great Uchiha. And then there was his condescending attitude, which had always pissed her off. He always called her a dumbass when the Academy had been dumbed down for civilians.

If it wasn't for Drake she never would have learned the things she should have years ago. Damn instructors.

And then there was the fact he was one of the louder assholes who generally called her out on the fact she had no freaking idea who her birth parents were. She did now, but that had always pissed her off whenever he brought it up.

So no, she wasn't the least bit surprised he was considered the rookie of the year and yet couldn't find a single teacher willing to put up with his bullshit, yet she had found one so quickly after Drake mauled the one they were given. Served the thieving prick right to suffer through the fear of being drummed out of the shinobi sect because of his attitude problem.

"Ten ryou says Danzo snatches him up before the deadline if he doesn't get a teacher before then," came Drake's drawl.

"What?" said the two chunin, whipping around to face him.

"I have a lot of information on that annoying pest that would interest the Hokage. He just hasn't asked for it yet. And an Uchiha is too 'valuable' to someone like Danzo to just let him waste away as a breeding tool."

The homeless and down on their luck shinobi were not unobservant. They were a source of information one would kill for if they ever considered asking for it.

Quite a few of them were aware of Danzo's ROOT program, and the fact he had been stealing clan children for years. But since no one cared about them, they saw no reason to risk their own necks for people who wouldn't bother to risk their own to help them.

Some even knew the location of the facilities, or even some of Orochimaru's abandoned labs.

Labs Drake had long since raided.

Anko made a note to tell the Hokage to interrogate Drake about Danzo...among others.

* * *

If Drake wasn't older than dirt and much more experienced with the world than even the man before him, he might have flinched at how pissed the Hokage was. As it was, he was highly entertained at the chaos he had stirred up in his wake.

Finally, some action!

"Drake, how certain are you about this?" demanded the Hokage. This wasn't the kindly grandfather Naruko mostly saw. This was the aged war general ready to do battle, highly pissed off but still very much calculating enough to make hard decisions.

"Occasionally there isn't any prisoners in the T and I division to keep the bloodlust down. So I go after people no one would miss...people who everyone else would ignore in general that are down on their luck to begin with, just waiting for death's embrace. If it's any consolation, I give them a quick, painless death before I drain them," said Drake.

It wasn't that he _cared_ or felt any sympathy and more along the lines of draining the already dead kept the number of ghouls he would have to deal with down. You couldn't turn if you were already dead.

The Hokage breathed through his nose, trying to handle this new information. He knew the blood ability Drake had was dangerous if trained properly, but the idea he would actively target those already down on their luck was something he hadn't thought of.

"Have you ever gone after those who aren't already on the streets or prisoners scheduled to be disposed of?" he asked finally.

"No. Naruko would never let me hear the end of it, never mind what Seras would do if she found out. Like I said, I'm selective of my targets."

Left unspoken was the fact he would continue to do so, and would only attack more risky targets if provoked.

Thankfully the Hokage still hadn't drawn the obvious connection of Drake to Alucard. For now the aging monkey would ignore it, if only because Drake openly admitted he at least killed them first.

And because he gave the location of labs they had missed...and admitted to have raided them for anything he deemed interesting enough to keep.

Lab notes, specimens, and general hospital tools were not on that list.

Weapons, jutsu scrolls and the odd blood bag that miraculously hadn't gone sour thanks to stasis seals, however went missing.

Drake was still amazed that the closest thing they had to an automatic weapon was a freaking crossbow.

"Drake, are you absolutely certain of the information you gleaned from your...victims?"

"Danzo's been busy in the background. The only reason you haven't noticed is because the civilians have piled up so much meaningless paperwork that you've been drowning in it, and because he at least knows what the meaning of subtlety is. They never said anything because who would care about the words of the drunk and drugged up shinobi wash outs, especially those that pass by them on the street every day and not once helped them in any way shape or form?" said Drake, before he let off an eerie laugh that made the Hokage and hidden ANBU's hair stand on end. "I'm actually considered an 'angel of mercy' to them. I at least give them one last chance to go out fighting before I kill them in a manner that's relatively painless."

"What?" said the Hokage horrified.

"I tell them upfront what I'm about to do to them and give them the choice of one last grand battle in the unused training grounds, or a quick kunai to the spinal cord that leads to the brain. Most generally chose the training ground, if only so they can remember what it was like to be shinobi one final time."

It was generally those people who earned his respect enough to get a proper grave and their names carved into whatever stone he found lying around. The others he left for the village ANBU to clean up after.

The Hokage let that slide. He knew there was something inherently wrong with Drake, but until the boy proved a danger to the village he would treat him like any other genin with a disturbing kekkei genkai.

"Where are the locations you know about, and what defenses do they have?"

Drake's smirk was enough to make a lesser man run for his life.

"Get me Yakushi Kabuto and I'll tell you everything you need to know about ROOT."

One of the more prominent names that kept repeating itself in connection to ROOT was Yakushi Kabuto. A genin who had taken the chunin exams six times to date, and never passed once. He always gave up somewhere in the third task.

Any real shinobi would have recognized it for what it was after the third time. Someone gathering intel on genin.

One of the prisoners he was allowed to 'eat' was one who had come to Konoha trying to track down Kabuto specifically after catching him twice with different headbands, and then recognizing him in the chunin exam of his village.

It was going to be a long night.

* * *

Kabuto didn't know why his team was being called in. The last thing he would remember was a sharp pain and he would wake up tied to a chair with enough chakra suppressors to take down a Kage. He had little doubt that his 'team' was stuck in similar situations.

Then came in the one person who would terrify any double agent. The one called 'Drake'.

Drake's smile terrified him at a primal level. There was no humanity, only hunger and power.

"Someone has been a very naughty little spy," said Drake evilly.

It took Kabuto a few moments to realize his blood had been drawn. He was so screwed.

"Now the Hokage is willing to be lenient. At this point he only cares about cleaning house with _Danzo_."

Kabuto caught the hidden meaning behind Drake's words. He hadn't told the Hokage about Orochimaru yet.

He might still live if he gave up all the information on Danzo.

It wasn't until after he was shipped back to his cell that Kabuto got another nasty shock.

"Hello, little snake," said Drake. He appeared without warning from the shadows. Not even the Nara could do that.

And from the way the ANBU patrolling the area vacated it, it was clear they weren't going to help him if Drake chose to make him his next meal.

"What do you want?" asked Kabuto. At least his voice wasn't shaking.

"We both know the second they learn of your...true...allegiance you're as good as dead. Either by the Leaf or your Master. However I might have a use for someone as slippery as you are."

Kabuto blinked. Then the analytical part of his mind kicked into high gear.

"What do you want?" he asked. This was likely his only chance to get out of this alive.

Drake's smirk was cold, merciless and utterly without anything resembling pity or humanity. At least this human knew the rules of the game.

* * *

"So we have a double agent that might turn on us at any given chance unless we prove there's no way in hell he'll pull it off?" clarified Naruko in her private hide away in the sewers.

"Kabuto will gladly sell out Orochimaru because he knows damn well once word reaches the snake that he's been busted he's a dead man. Or he'll end up permanently on the run. And since he's also aware I could kill him at any given time, he's not about to try crossing me. So I'm going to do something even more devious."

"You're going to expose him to Naruko and convert him into our own personal spymaster," said Seras. It was a good move. Someone as slippery as Kabuto would definitely understand that either he played ball or he was dead.

Besides...with Naruko's personality it was highly likely she would convert him anyway.

"So we have a spymaster. What's next?" said Karin, pushing up her glasses.

It was clear what Drake had planned.

Naruko wanted to either be Hokage, or be strong enough that people would have to respect her and not the demon she carried. With power came respect...or fear in Alucard's case. Either way it meant no one would be stupid enough to try and kill her again.

It was something Alucard could respect.

So in order for her to pull that off, they would need people they trusted. Or people who wouldn't be stupid enough to try and stab her in the back with Alucard around.


	9. Chapter 9

Seals were a wonderful thing, and if you had the inclination and patience for it, a devastating tool.

Or in Integra's case, a way into the Uzumaki clan's good graces when you needed a place to lay low until the rumors died down and faded into obscurity.

It was ironic, but the clan her father Alucard had opted to 'ally' himself to was the _same_ clan Integra had hidden herself in after demonstrating a greater knowledge of seals than the Uzumaki clan previously had access to. In exchange they hid her from Konoha... and from Mito who would have told her husband about a _third_ creature wandering around.

Integra was an Uzumaki by adoption. And she was proud of that. The fact the current potential heir was willingly supplying her family with blood, all in exchange for the love and attention she had missed out on...it made her proud.

Now she was going to return the favor. Naruko had freed her family from their prisons...so in return Integra was going to bring the scattered clan back together.

They were family, after all.

The first Uzumaki she found (if only because she knew Tsunade would understand the implications of this...shortly after Mito's death she had been let in on the secret of her iryonin-sensei's true nature) was the Slug Princess.

Tsunade only had to be told the full unvarnished truth of Naruko's treatment in Konoha and the fact she had accidentally woken up the monster her grandfather sealed...and decided to embrace him as family to be really, really pissed off at her old teacher.

Hiruzen Sarutobi was going to be in for one hell of a tongue lashing if a child thought a monster was the lesser evil to the average civilian. Especially if that child happened to be the daughter of her favorite cousin.

Tsunade agreed to teach Karin once she got to Konoha, but there was no way in hell she was going to take the hat. Not after all the bad memories she had of it. She gave Integra the locations of possible Uzumaki, but no confirmations.

They left for Konoha the next morning.

* * *

Yakushi Kabuto was listed as a permanent vassal of the Uzumaki clan. More specifically he was Karin's medic-nin teacher.

He was under no illusions. If he tried to harm Naruko in any way, or betray her, he would die. In as painful a manner as possible.

Drake had argued his case with the Hokage, and to his eternal shock the old man agreed this was the lesser of two evils. Kabuto would never be openly allowed near sensitive information again, and his allegiance would always be suspect...but at least he would be alive.

And if he were alive and relatively free, that meant there was always a chance to escape.

What Kabuto hadn't counted on was what happened to those with long-term exposure to someone with the highest amount of empathy in a shinobi.

It should be impossible to be that adept at understanding the human psyche to the point where you could tell a traitor from a single conversation.

Naruko thrived in making impossible things more along the lines of improbable.

She narrowed in on things he didn't talk about like Drake to fresh blood, and she wove into the more humane parts left of his psyche after years of brainwashing and betrayal and forced them to the surface, no matter how hard he tried to keep them hidden.

Just being around her brought back the few pleasant memories he had of his mother. And the worst part in his mind was that she didn't even seem to notice what she was doing...though Drake sure as hell did.

As if things weren't complicated enough, rumor had it Tsunade was returning to the village with her apprentice.

Not because she had gotten over her issues, but because someone had told her about a possible Uzumaki clan head and she wanted to confirm it.

Kabuto knew the truth though. He wasn't an effective spy for nothing.

Drake's older sister told her about how Naruko was treated, and she had been so pissed she chose to come home if only to insure the girl had some family that wasn't on probation and could step in to keep the councils off her ass.

Plus she would be used to keep Kabuto in line, since no one was actually aware of what Drake really was.

* * *

Tsunade took one look at Drake, and they knew. She knew exactly who and what he was.

"So. You're Integra's father."

Drake's grin widened considerably.

"And you're the granddaughter of the same fool who sealed me and my mate away after I got drunk," said Drake evenly.

"Thank you for reminding me about that," said Seras darkly. She looked at Tsunade and said "How much would it take to convince you to keep his alcohol stash to a bare minimum to avoid a repeat of that fiasco?"

Tsunade blinked, before a Drake-worthy smirk appeared on her face.

"How about this... I'll steal his alcohol from him if you agree to scare off the creditors that are after me," said Tsunade.

"Why scare them off when I could just as easily pay them?" asked Drake.

Tsunade snorted.

"I've racked up a debt easily into the millions. You would have to take several S-ranked missions just to pay for it," she said flatly.

Drake smirked.

With a wave of his hand, several antique coins appeared, all made of either gold, silver or copper.

"I think I can handle it. Not like I have much use for this anyway," said Drake.

The coins were worth more because of how rare they were than they were for the precious metals they were made from.

Tsunade had a strange grin on her face.

"I'll smuggle out blood if you pay off the gambling debt I've made over the years...or kill anyone who won't take a few extremely rare coins as payment."

"Deal."

* * *

"FINALLY!"

The Hokage was allowing them out of the village for one reason and one reason only. To get some new blood into the Konoha general populace. If they had Kekkei Genkai the better.

It had taken him many, many nights until finally one drunken morning he had an epiphany.

If Team Blood was going to bring back headaches, then dammit he would use it to his advantage instead of getting taken by surprise for once.

So he was sending them to the Land of Water with the instructions of bringing as many Kekkei Genkai users as they could back, without anyone realizing it was Konoha.

In short, he was unleashing a bored Drake and Naruko on an unsuspecting Kiri.

If it wasn't for the fact that they were known as the bloody Mist and he had little to no reason to care, he might have felt sorry for what was about to happen.

As it was, he was _this_ close to unleashing the lot of them on Iwa.

* * *

"So what's the history on Kirigakure?" asked Drake out of boredom.

"Long story short one of their Kage went batshit nuts, declared Kekkei Genkai were evil, and sparked a bloody genocide, leading to several dead families. Even after replacing the guy, they're still called the 'Bloody' Mist because they have hunts for those with bloodlines. Though rumor has it that they're about to replace the current Mizukage since the last one was killed recently," said Anko.

"_Bloody_ Mist you say? This might actually be fun!" said Drake eagerly.

* * *

Right before they were about to cross the borders of Fire, Drake's wish for something entertaining was answered.

Anko recognized the zanbatou in a split second.

"Momochi Zabuza. The 'demon' of the Bloody Mist. Fancy running into you here," said Anko with a leer.

Zabuza took one look at Anko...and then at the train of genins following her and stared.

"Who the fuck was crazy enough to give you _minions_?" he asked incredulous.

He knew who Anko was...and upon closer inspection he paled.

Even he had heard of the Bloody Dragon, Uzumaki Drake.

He was just a rookie genin and he already had a listing in the Bingo Books as a B-ranked threat. His bloodline was that dangerous.

That being said, there was something even more dangerous right next to him, not that Zabuza (or Drake) knew that.

Uzumaki Naruko had recently hit puberty, and was currently suffering the hell only females endured once a month.

Unfortunately for everyone, the only person (in a manner of speaking) who was aware of this nightmare was currently wandering around Amegakure.

Integra heard a rumor there was someone with Uzumaki blood who was leading the Village Hidden in the Rain.

So at the moment the only person with any inkling of what Naruko could unleash kept her mouth shut, if only to unleash that horrifying wrath on an unsuspecting Drake later for a quick laugh.

There was a common saying since Lady Mito married the first Hokage...even before the sealing of the Kyuubi.

Hell might be terrifying, but it's fury is a mere _candle_ to that of an Uzumaki woman during her period, especially if you were foolish (or unlucky enough) to somehow incur their wrath.

It was worse than the hurricanes that used to plague Uzushiogakure. The Uzumaki men used to joke that the storms were natures way of trying to replicate their wives during that time of the month and always coming up short...never within hearing distance of said women of course.

So yes, Anko kept her mouth shut about said saying, if only to see the look on Drake's face when the full brunt of Naruko's fury hit him like an unsuspecting brick at the worst possible time.

That expression would be glorious.

Anko eyed the 'Demon' of the Mist and smirked, an idea already forming.

"You do realize the Hokage given us carte blanche to poach the Mist's kekkei genkai users right? Odds are if you stick with us you can defect and possibly work out a deal. Or we could end you now and collect the bounty and go back to our mission anyway," said Anko, cleaning her nails with a kunai.

Zabuza's little partner perked up at that news.

Zabuza eyed Drake with more wariness than he did Anko.

He could handle the infamous Snake Bitch, one of the few Leaf nin who didn't adhere to that tree-hugger crap.

Drake, who's bloodline had reached the rumors of the better missing nin however, was an entirely different kettle of fish. Word had it that if you bled within a hundred feet of him you were screwed. Even if it was a minor cut most shinobi wouldn't think twice at.

"What's in it for us?"

"You mean outside of giving the Jiji a migraine that's liable to have him cursing our name and seeing the look on that arrogant Uchiha's face when he realizes that there's a new jounin he can't badger into becoming his new jounin sensei?" asked Naruko bored.

Zabuza stared at her.

"What?"

"Long story short the Last Uchiha is a spoiled brat who's beyond pissed at _us_ for nearly killing our original 'sensei' and finding one almost immediately while he's had to try and kill some of that massive ego of his just to find a replacement. Unfortunately for him, Sharingan Kakashi's report of his real personality was enough to convince those who could have been blackballed into teaching him to suddenly take long term missions far from the Leaf," said Seras with a little too much glee.

"Which means Itachi's precious little brother is in serious danger of becoming a breeder instead of a shinobi capable of killing his 'dear' older brother," said Naruko evilly.

Zabuza stared...before he started laughing. Evilly.

"That sounds hilarious, and a damn sight better than fighting Anko Mitarashi with able and willing cohorts who are almost as scary as she is, if not worse!"

Drake grinned evilly and it sent shivers (and not the good kind) down his spine.

"Care to sign up under the banner of the Uzumaki clan heir? Doing so gives you a step up on the list of people I'm not allowed to eat unless you royally piss me off," said Drake, as if he was talking about the weather.

"...If I say yes will I have to deal with the tree huggers?"

"Say yes and your apprentice there can claim they're an adopted Uzumaki, thus keeping those morons on the Civilian council from trying to force a marriage on them," came Drake's reply.

"Deal," said Zabuza. Claiming he was a new 'vassal' of the Uzumaki clan offered benefits in any village who knew of the clan and kept Haku safe. Not to mention it kept the Bloody Dragon from trying to eat him.

* * *

Gaara didn't know what to think of the woman before him. She had somehow managed to bring both of them into his mindscape, then proceeded to laugh her ass off at the demon inside of it.

He was more baffled by the sense of embarrassment and mortification coming from the beast he once called 'Mother'.

"**It's not that funny!"** he whined.

"It's not funny, it's _hilarious_. How the hell did you end up in a damn Bijuu anyway?"

"**I was pretending to be a Jashin priest and some idiot sent the Shukaku my way. Next thing I know the damn tanuki ate me along with my meal, and I wake up to find myself in a freaking tea kettle of all things,"**complained Shukaku.

Gaara blinked.

"Why would you pretend to be a Jashin priest?" he asked.

The raven-haired woman turned to him with a grin.

"Because we're vampires and no one would think twice if we ate someone we killed if we're pretending to follow a cult that some moron based on a loose interpretation of when our father's pissed off at someone. Believe me, our mother was _pissed_ when she found out where the Jashin cult first started from. How have you been feeding since you got stuck?"

"**There's a reason why I convinced the brat to crush those idiots in sand. Every time he 'disposes' of someone that way, I get the blood. Though it's gone down of late because dear old mom and dad thought it would be a good idea to direct him to the T and I division. The pranks are hilarious though."**

The woman turned to him.

"Kid, how would you like it if you were able to sleep?"

"I can't sleep. Shukaku takes over when I do and goes on a rampage."

"**Do you have any idea how dead boring it is in here? Every time you take a nap, I get a chance to stretch."**

"Here's the deal. If you can continue to dispose of the prisoners or at least small animals through the bloody sand, then he won't try to forcefully take over. He'll just borrow your body while you get some actual sleep. Though your eyes might turn red after this,"she informed him.

Gaara eyed the demon.

"If I do this will you shut up about killing people?" he asked.

"**Kid you let me borrow your body while you sleep and I'll give you pointers on how to really freak people out and make your dad's life hell."**

Gaara held out his hand, and Shukaku shook it.

Maybe now he could get some actual rest.

Gaara then turned to the woman.

"Who are you anyway?"

"Call me Integra Uzumaki. I'm the older sister of the 'priest' that idiot bijuu ate. When I heard his current container was calling him 'mother' I had to come visit, if only to laugh at him."

"Any relation to the Uzumaki that came to the village a few months ago?"

"The raven haired one with red eyes called the Bloody Dragon is my dad, and the blond with the stacked chest is my mother. I'm an Uzumaki by adoption, so I'm also technically related to the blue eyed blond girl Naruko."


	10. Chapter 10

Drake took one look at the carnage before him, and got the largest boner he had ever had in his life. Even Seras was impressed, while Anko was shouting out pointers to the one causing the destruction.

"Are we sure she's not a red head, because quite honestly this level of violence is something I'd expect from one," asked Drake.

"Either that or your cousin Richard," muttered Seras.

Anko paused, before asking "Who's cousin Richard?"

"An undead warlock bent on destroying every living thing, preferably by setting it on fire. He's also notorious for eating small infants, starting wars out of boredom and generally having a bigger disregard for life than I do."

"He's also mayor of a small village that's lovely in the springtime. We try to make a visit there at least once a decade," added Seras.

Anko wasn't the only one staring. Naruko had paused in her maiming of the idiot stupid enough to comment on the fact her breasts had yet to start growing and said she had a fat ass to compensate to stare at Drake as well.

"...If he's an undead warlock why do you call him your cousin?" Naruko asked finally.

"Because generally when we team up we leave a swath of slaughter in our wake and tend to compete for best kill, the most bloody and most creative. Since we're both unkillable by almost any means, we've decided to simply claim each other as our favorite cousin if only to see the look on people's faces when we talk about the other. And before you give me any weird looks, I'm not the one who has the battle cry of '_For Pony!_', nor have I ever been chibified by an imp that was once my pet," deadpanned Drake.

"I still don't know how in heaven you managed to convince me to make him Integra's godfather," said Seras, pinching her nose.

"It was either that or hear him bitch for centuries about the damage she would have done to his lower intestinal tract while ripping her way out of his stomach," came Drake's immediate response.

Naruko considered this, before he next question made Drake even more happy to have chosen her for a master than he would have thought possible. Well that and he would have to drag the only two adults for a few hours at how happy it made him.

"...Do you think he would enjoy an apprentice? More specifically one who already has a lot of brother issues and is currently desperate for any teacher he can find?"

Drake's evil laughter was loud enough to be heard all the way back to Konoha, and it sent a shiver of _DOOM!_ down the Hokage's spine. It also managed to make it to said undead warlock...who had the distinct feeling his boredom was about to go away very shortly.

Naruko's victim groaned.

It was the first and possibly only time he regretted having a kekkei genkai that allowed him to reform so long as he had enough water nearby...and Naruko had been maiming the poor little Mist genin on top of a lake so his suffering could be prolonged as long as possible.

Suigetsu should have kept his fat mouth shut about Naruko's assets while she was on her period. There was only pain in his future now. And the worst part was his teammate and the woman who lead the Kiri rebellion for the kekkei genkai users had absolutely no sympathy for him.

Particularly when Anko explained that not only was Naruko a main-line Uzumaki...she was the clan heiress and had recently hit puberty.

Ergo, he had commented on her ass and breasts at the worst possible time.

Anko had gleefully taken pictures of Drake's horrified expression once he realized the level of carnage his 'Master' was able (and far too willing) to unleash if someone were stupid enough to make such comments during that time of the month.

"Still...this level of violence...talk about a turn on," said Drake, drooling. It was hard to believe Naruko was a natural blond.

"The irony was that while she might have inherited her father's looks, she got almost all of her mother's personality," said Anko.

"Was her mother a red head?" asked Drake intently.

"Anyone stupid to call her a tomato usually ended up a bloody pile on the floor, and they used to call her the Bloody Red Habenaro. You know what they say about Uzumaki women, especially main-line Uzumaki right?" said Anko.

"What?" asked Seras.

"That the maelstroms that used to plague Uzushiogakure had nothing compared to the wrath of a main line Uzumaki woman on her period. Especially if you had done something to incur their wrath. Hell, not even that pervert Jiraiya was stupid enough to peep on Kushina while she was bathing during that time of the month! He would have been left a bloody smear on the ground while his pieces would have been scattered so far apart it would take forever to find them!" said Anko.

Drake nodded to himself. He then turned to Seras.

"Would you be offended if I suggested we bring Naruko into our family as a second wife?"

"Considering how well she fits into our group, not really," said Seras.

She was well aware Dracula had, at one point, had three wives at the same time. So long as she could get along with them or liked them, she didn't mind bringing others in.

Alucard really was too much for one woman to handle, and if she had a few sister-wives they could help keep his bad habits in line.

"You do realize that most kitsune have a thousand year life span at least, especially the more tails they have right?" said Anko.

Drake perked up.

"And that's not including how long some hanyou live..." said Anko.

The only reason she said anything was because it was well known most kitsune were perverts capable of shape-shifting.

"Let's not forget your other cousin, Zelretch," piped Seras.

Alucard found Zelretch (especially his 'grandson') hilarious. Though whenever he saw either Zelretch or his grandson Black Wing, they usually had a competition over 'most blood vessels popped through trolling' rather than kills.

* * *

Mei looked at the bloody-handed Naruko and the overly amused Drake...then at the satisfied expressions on Anko and Seras' faces.

"So...the Leaf is here to poach our kekkei genkai users."

"Well we could be persuaded to help you get the hat, provided you make a treaty with us the moment it's official. And on an unrelated note, I'm sorry for almost permanently maiming that idiot who can turn into water," said Naruko offhandedly.

"You said your name as Uzumaki right?" asked Mei.

"She's a main line Uzumaki who just hit puberty, and the idiot made a comment about how her ass must make up for her small breast size," said Anko.

"Then it perfectly falls under the old laws, and he'll have to pay for medical help on his own," said Mei.

Drake and Seras blinked.

"There's a law about pissing off a female Uzumaki?"

Mei brought out a rule book.

"Page four, section thirteen. Uzumaki standard procedures."

Drake opened the page, and Seras stared.

"_Anyone stupid enough to incur the wrath of an Uzumaki female, particularly the main line, shall be made to pay for their own medical bills."_

"By any chance have you come into contact with a woman by the name of Integra Uzumaki?" asked Naruko, grinning evilly.

"Why do you think we put that in the books? Between her and the actual Uzumaki, there's been plenty of bloodshed...and not because of a certain vampire visiting our blood supply," said Mei deadpan.

Drake began laughing, quite evilly at that.

"Right, Mei, meet Integra's father and mother respectively," said Naruko, pointing at Drake and Seras.

"I can see it, but why do you look like genin?"

"Easiest way to fly under the radar in Konoha. If the old man knew Drake and I weren't just a pair of kekkei genkai holders, he might feel duty bound to seal us up again, and it took a decade before the hunger got so bad my body actually shut down," shuddered Seras.

Mei grinned. So basically the only one who _didn't_ know what these two were was the Konoha. For one of the Big Five they were surprisingly out of the loop.

"Coincidentally, Integra said she would be making the rounds to gather the Uzumaki again. Worst comes to worse, we rebuild Uzushio," said Naruko shrugging.

"If you have to rebuild the old village, count Mist in as one of your allies. Konoha's been getting uppity these days, and their recent image as a bunch of damn tree huggers isn't helping," said Mei.

"Don't I know it! Do you know how hard it is to get a guy who won't curl up in a fetal position crying his eyes out whenever I get my hands on 'em? Bunch of damn pansies these days I swear!"

"Is that why you've been visiting Kurenai so regularly Anko-chan?" said Drake impishly.

"If all else fails, jump a fellow member of the double X brigade," said Anko.

Mei nodded in complete agreement.

"What about the idiot who insulted Naruko earlier?" asked Drake.

"He's going to get little sympathy from us for pissing off an Uzumaki woman on her period. It may have fallen but you tend to remember angry red heads holding you by the ankle over a pit of alligators with double rows of teeth that they genetically bred specifically to eat people who get on their bad side."

Drake raised an eyebrow.

"'Genetically bred alligators'?" he repeated.

"They're seal masters, and considering how labor intensive seals are, they get bored after a while. So they delved into cross-breeding animals. Needless to say it upped their danger level quite a bit for the rest of us and forced the old leaders to put in laws about pissing off the females during that time of the month. In short, don't piss off the red head who can sick abominations of nature on you when she's on her period, and if you do, you'll get jack in terms of sympathy."

"I'm starting to see why Integra chose to be adopted into the clan," said Seras sweatdropping.

"Hah! Knowing her she probably _started _it!" said Drake.

* * *

Nagato had thought he had faced everything he would ever need to face in terms of danger.

That was before a woman (who could pass for a teenager) waltzed right in to where his true body was and gave him a stare down.

"The Rinnegan. Haven't seen that in a while. You must be the first wielder since that idiot Mamoru accidentally awakened it. You've certainly mastered it better than anyone save Riku did," she said appreciatively, before she said "Though you've certainly overused it."

"Who are you?" demanded Nagato.

"Integra Dracule-Uzumaki. I'm here to inform you that the Uzumaki clan head is recalling the clan."

"Who is the clan head, and why should I care?"

"I have a better question. Why are you overusing that eye and hiding behind corpses?" asked Integra, raising an eyebrow.

"Do you know Madara Uchiha?"

Integra twitched.

"That damn monkey eye is still _alive_?"

Nagato nodded.

"Father will be pleased. He's been wanting words with that bastard since he helped in sealing mother up while she was still awake and fully powered."

"Who is this father of yours and why should I care?" asked Nagato.

"Are you aware of the monster that was sealed inside Konoha before the Hidden Villages were formed?"

"I've heard rumors that there was a secret only the Hokage and his successors could know about."

"My father is that monster, though the story was altered. In truth he got drunk off his ass and went on a rampage, so they sealed him up once he fell asleep. Unfortunately for them, they also decided to seal my mother while she was still very much alive and aware. It took her decades to fall into hibernation. Needless to say he fully intends to go old school on Madara."

"...How much would it cost to get your 'father' to go old school on Danzo?"

"Danzo as in the war hawk in Konoha, Danzo?"

"He got a good friend of mine killed. I want him to pay," said Nagato.

"I'm sure something could be arranged. You're part of this Akatsuki group targeting Jinchuriki right?" said Integra.

"I am. I lead them."

"When you find Madara, do me a favor and be sure to deliver him and anyone you consider disposable. In return we'll deliver Danzo... do you want him maimed or barely alive?"

"Maimed, please," said Nagato, almost jokingly.

"We'll deliver a maimed bastard in no position to defend himself to you in exchange for Madara. Fair?"

Nagato held out their hand and they shook on it.

The next time Integra went to Konoha, she and her father would be ridding the world of Danzo. He had somehow managed to avoid capture over the Root mess, but he wouldn't survive a second time.

She still didn't know how the hell he managed to pin the blame on the other two advisers.


End file.
